Graphic by Mary-Amma Blankson
Have you ever woken up in the shadows of Davis Square, unsure of how you got there? Ever salivated over the prospect of making tongue-to-skin contact with the person closest to you? Well, we at the Zamboni believe that you may be entitled to compensation.
Beyond the scope of Covid and Avian Flu, Boston’s newest epidemic holds horrors unknown for Tufts students and beyond. Within the first few weeks of the semester, three students reported to the OEO that they had notes slid under their doors in the dead of night reading, “Look up.” Expecting the word gullible on their dim-lit ceilings, they were shocked to see the words “J. P. Licked” smeared in ice cream with an unsettling tongue emoji to seal the deal. Soon after, the three students were seen stumbling around campus and coughing up frothy spittle. Although some claimed that this was merely a side effect of watching an Institute show, Tufts medical professionals remained concerned. Fearing campus-wide exposure, President Kumar ordered the students to be swiftly quarantined. Kumar has assured The Zamboni that the students’ treatment will begin as soon as Health Services becomes operational.
Medical professionals suggest that symptoms may include, but are not limited to: Aimless ambling in Davis Square, constant salivation, craving brain freeze from overpriced ice cream, and, in serious cases, feeling the feral urge to lick someone. Symptoms are often unnoticeable at first infection. Experts suggest that you may not even realize you’ve been infected until you’re standing at the register, cone in hand. Importantly, it is believed that rather than being transmitted through common aerosolized particles, this disease spreads via mouth to, well, just about anything. If severe symptoms are left untreated for a long period of time, infected persons will begin to slobber manically and without warning. For reference, see “Varsity Lacrosse Navy-SEAL practice side effects.”
While new cases are being recorded at increasingly alarming rates, gossip and superstition have proven to be an obstacle in educating the student body. In a wave of mania, Tufts students are flocking en masse to the statue of Jumbo following circulation of a rumor alleging its healing powers. Students claim that “just one lick” of the statue would be enough to absolve their transgressions in the eyes of the divine Jumbo, reversing the effects of their condition. TCU appears to be collecting pay-per-lick tithes, contributing to further scrutiny over the club’s funding. Despite being a TCU funded magazine, The Zamboni warns that a new on-campus, orally-obsessed religion could damage our already weakened reputation as sexual deviants. Furthermore, TEMS has shared that unsticking tongues from Jumbo in the dead of winter is “not worth getting dressed up all cute for.”
According to President Kumar, Tufts is taking initiative to combat the spread of misinformation. On the front lines, BIO 14 students have been charged with pharmaceutical research. Their research, although “inspired” by an AI search engine, has led us to believe Patient-0 may have originated from the Cambridge J.P. Licks.
“I assure you,” Sunil Kumar told reporters, “We are more than prepared for bio-chemical warfare with those crimson bastards.”
In the midst of the chaos, the most important things to keep in mind are to wash your hands for 20 seconds or more, maintain a safe distance between yourself and others, and to carry around an egregious number of Lactaid® tablets at all times. Stay safe.
If you or a loved one has been J.P. Licked or develops symptoms, please reach out to us at TuftsZamboni@gmail.com.
