NEWS
BREAKING
Tufts Imposes New Tariffs on Outside Vendors
Tufts University President Sunil Kumar announced sweeping new tariffs on products and services supplied by outside vendors in a press conference on Wednesday. “For decades our campus has been looted, pillaged, raped, and…
NEws
Tufts Establishes Department of Jumbo Efficiency
It was a dark and stormy night when an anonymous TCU Treasurer broke this mind-boggling story to us. Following the controversial election of President Sunil Kumar, his administration has pledged to give…
Tufts University Exposed: Every Student Was a Warrior Cats Kid
MEDFORD, MA—After years of speculation, new evidence has surfaced confirming what many have long suspected: Every single student at Tufts University was, at some point, an avid fan of the children’s series…
Toast Busters: Inside the Houston Hall Grilled Cheese Black Market
In the dimly lit corridors of Houston Hall, a tragic tale of rebellion, melted cheese, and broken dreams unfolded. What began as an innocent late-night comfort food operation soon became the stuff…
A Bloody Beginning: What Really Happened to Jumbo?
All Tufts students know the story of a valiant elephant named Jumbo who saved his small friend, Tom Thumb, from an oncoming train. Unfortunately, this fantasy of voluntary sacrifice was shattered during…
LATEST
Tufts Grads Go Undercovers as Employed
ATHENS, GA – Recent graduates of Tufts University, Lauren Smith, Dylan Friedman, and Sonya Terrence, have decided to go where no Tufts student has gone before… a job. Guided by Goals, God, and Jumbo, this trio of English majors, with equally irrelevant minors, were selected for an emerging program through the Tufts Gordon Institute. “This…
PREVIOUSLY
Freshman Politically Active for the First Time, Now Expert on Every Issue Ever
In a shocking turn of events, freshman Karl Thompson, who began the semester with a general interest in political science, has now, after completing just three lectures in Introduction to International Relations, declared himself an expert on every political, social, and economic issue facing humanity. Karl, whose prior political experience included sporadically liking tweets from…
Kumar Has “Concepts of a Plan” to Address Substandard On-Campus Housing Option
In an absurd moment of rhetoric, President Sunil Kumar of Tufts University, declared he had “concepts of a plan” to address the crippling state of the mods. His comment came during a live Q&A in which one student confronted him about his administration’s efforts. “President Kumar, you have long vowed to repeal and replace The…
Cowardly TCU Treasurer Cuts Funding for Media Clubs In Attempt to Suppress Dissent
In what may become an act of political suicide, Tufts Community Union Treasurer Dhruv Sampat, announced that TCU would be cutting funding for on-campus publications, presumably in an effort to suppress dissent. “Our new policy aims to pivot the Tufts media landscape to a digital format, which would ensure that no one reads the criticism…
NEWS
Tufts Students Abroad in Chile Trapped
In the United States, citizens generally have the right to reenter the country should they find themselves abroad. In fact,…
Disney Announces Toy Story 79
Disney recently announced that Toy Story 79 has entered the pre-production stage. This is the 89th installment in the Toy…
PINK PONY POPULISM
Chappell Roan and the Pink Pony Party haven’t been casual in their efforts to chip away at American democracy. The…
In My Defense, Your Honor, I Was Traveling Through Time
It was ready. I had done it! After months of wiring, rewiring, soldering, re-soldering, moldering, re-moldering, folding, bending, pushing, and…
SMFA Student’s Art Installation Just Regular Bench; Everyone Too Afraid to Ask
The Tufts University community has been ripped with anxiety this week. Students and faculty grappled with what appears to be…
Second Coming of Christ Sees His Shadow, 600 More Years of Civilization
Jesus Christ finally came again to judge the living and the dead on Tuesday, as the Gospel foretold. The Son…
Tufts Study Abroad Program Expands to Jupiter and Mars
The Tufts study abroad program has officially expanded to Mars and Jupiter. That’s right, folks, for the 2090-2091 school year,…
Rainbow House Enacts New “Prove It” Policy
As the Rainbow House at Tufts has expanded, the number of applications has skyrocketed. Thus, the “Q’munity” house patrons announced…
Tufts Most Prestigious University in Boston
MEDFORD, MA — After a season of devastating storms and flooding, much of the Greater Boston area sank below sea…
Anorexic Turkey Not Looking Forward to Being Stuffed this Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving. A celebration of that one time Pocahontas introduced John Smith to cranberry sauce. I have often reflected on the…
Tufts University Announces Construction of Graftanamo Bay Detention Center
GRAFTON, MASSACHUSETTS — President Sunil Kumar announced the construction of a detention center at the former site of the Cummings…
RFK Jr. Admits Fault in Killing of Jumbo
WASHINGTON D.C. — Apparently seeking to get in front of a forthcoming Tufts Daily exposé, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. appeared…
Tufts Dining Proposes New Springfield-Inspired Menu Items
Tufts Dining announced plans for new menu items with a Haitian twist on American classics at many on-campus dining locations.…
Tufts Professors on Who They Plan to Vote For
Graphic by Eden Stambaugh Vickie Sullivan – Professor of Political Science“I will be writing in Joe Biden. I believe he…
J.D. Vance Visits the Sink
Republican Vice Presidential Candidate J.D Vance visited The Sink as a part of his cafe tour following his viral visit…
Pepper, TUPD’s Comfort Dog, Spotted at RNC
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN — TUPD’s Pepper (K9) was discovered unaccompanied amidst the roaring crowds at the Republican National Convention. During Former…
Swing Voters Can’t Decide Between Dilapidated, Broken Swing and Nice, Newly-Installed Swing
Though most people have picked a side going into November, many conflicted swing voters remain. One of the swings is…
Top Sidechat Users Are Good at Masturbating Alone in Dark Room, Study Finds
From the outside, the world of Sidechat may appear to be occupied by lonely students seeking out sexual partners and…
Attendees Disappointed After Religion Department Magic Show Turns Out to Be Chemistry Lab
A staggering ten of the fifteen members of the Department of Religion E-list jumped at the opportunity to spend time…
Increase in Tufts’ Cocaine Production Attributed to New Government Funding, Department Overhaul
This quarter saw an unprecedented 33% increase in Tufts University’s production of thevaluable and high-demand drug: cocaine. While cocaine remains…
Spring Fling Budget Cuts: Headliner Announced to Be My Cousin Who Goes to Northeastern and Plays a Mean Bass Guitar
In a well-edited Instagram reel, TUSC finally announced Spring Fling 2024’s headliner. The concert, thrown annually at Tufts since 1980,…
New Tufts Financial Aid Program Just a Web-Link to Porn Auditions
The Tufts University administration headed by the newly appointed President Sunil Kumar has made many promises to the student body.…
INVESTIGATIVE
Dog DTD Claimed To Have Adopted Turns Out To Be 65 Year Old Cleaning Lady
The Tufts University community was thrilled when DTD revealed that they had adopted a dog into their frat-family. The brotherhood appeared to be orienting itself towards a family-friendly identity by welcoming a German Shepherd named Hildebrand into their home. Jill Zellmer, Executive Director of OEO, brightly remarked on this furry new campus presence. “Here’s one…