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Candyland Savings Bank Revealed to Practice “Redvining”

Internal records leaked Tuesday by an employee of Candyland Savings Bank (CSB) revealed that certain areas in Candyland were marked as “undesirable” and systematically denied loans. Despite facing years of unsavory allegations, Director Zagnut Reese denied that CSB engaged in the highly controversial practice,…

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Intellectual Masturbation

It’s moving down the cast-iron stalwart tracks. Ooh. This superbly carpentered and superbly welded actuator resides in my palm. Ah.…

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Metamorphosis: Bugz II Men

The soft sheets brushed against Bugor Insecta’s skin. He felt an extreme heft in his body, like his innards had grown a dozen times denser. Bugor’s…

One of the Greats

Since I was a boy, I knew I would one day be a great painter. Curators and critics would laud my genius and my work centuries…

Dr. Diversity

I help make things that kill people. A lot of people. I don’t really think about it most days. I think about traffic on the 405,…

Sisyphus on Ice

Round and round, I go, a loop without end. Each pass I make, I press down the frost, scrape away the scars of sweaty human ambition,…

My Muse

Succulent, plump, wet flesh Aloft, not unlike an angel, suspended in a glass prison A slight squirt of sweet, sticky liquid escapes My instrument plunges into…

In Memoriam: Ivy League Student

After a long day of sailboat racing, dogfighting, and hunting poor people, Kurt Sartre of Brown University retired to his dorm’s humble canopy bed, unaware of…