Graphic by Michael Batkin
First-year Jumbos are reckless, craving sex with anyone and everyone they can get their grubby little hands on and in. They are incorrigible, salacious, and stupid. Sex is fine and all, but this journalist warns his young readers to stay wary of their RAs. RAs have this tempting aura of power and authority — something inherently desirable to feeble-minded freshmen. RAs can use their superior intelligence and elevated sense of responsibility to gaslight and emotionally manipulate young Jumbos. Thus, I feel it is my duty to provide some tips and tricks to avoid fucking your RA.
- Be respectful. Ensure that your conversations with your RA remain professional and appropriate. Avoid asking them specific questions about their personal life.
- Do NOT mention how good their body, hair, or face look. Even if you’re locked out of your room and your RA just came out of the shower to let you in — with a dripping towel hugging their hips, flushed cheeks and hair glistening with conditioner — don’t eye fuck them or ask if they need help moisturizing.
- Avoid using flattery or flowery language when describing their features. For example, do not say ‘Brian, your eyes are like monarch butterflies’ or ‘Brian, I cannot describe the way you glow as the sunlight from the Bush Hall common room windows hits your face.’
- Do NOT bake them cookies or brownies. If you happen to accidentally make baked goods for your RA, do not mix them with oxytocin. This love hormone will strengthen the eater’s ability to make intimate emotional bonds.
- Remember NOT to break into your RA’s dorm. If you find yourself in your RA’s room, avoid rubbing yourself and your clothes all over his place. This dangerous practice could lead to your RA forming a subconscious emotional attachment to your scent.
- Do NOT learn your RA’s schedule and redesign your own course load around their classes. This will force more interaction with your RA and allow them to fall in love with you. Worse, this can lead to you accidentally taking classes in something stupid, like Eastern European Psychopathology or Western Political Thought II.
- Do NOT Pavlov’s Dog your RA. This perilous ritual consists of habitually giving Laffy Taffy to your RA whenever you see them. The experiment would condition your RA to salivate and expect a treat upon seeing you. However, when you stop, they will still expect a treat, leaving an opening for you to provide a different kind of treat. The treacherous road from Pavlov’s Dog to doggy style should be avoided at all costs.
All these practices could lead to a very unprofessional, inappropriate sexual relationship between you and your RA. For the freshmen out there: even if the sex is mind-bogglingly incredible for a few months, the relationship will not last. It rests not on true feelings, but on the rush of adrenaline of wanting someone you cannot have. The same cannot be said for relationships with TAs, though, as those are always hot as shit. Unlike RAs, they could also help you get better grades and advance your career. So, go for that TA-ussy, freshmen.
