Welcome to Brown! Ha, you wish. Welcome to Tufts! Starting college can be a difficult transition, but I’m here to help. I recognize many of you may be too young to understand some of these references, but I can hope they instill within you a healthy level of anxiety.
- If you’re feeling overwhelmed by how much attention you’re getting on campus and need people to ignore you for once, join the Tufts Daily.
- If your dorm wall is lacking some color, call SJP. Those are my initials. I just like painting.
- If the Tufts Sexual Health Representatives’ presentation is unhelpful because you identify as a visual learner, head on over to ZBT for an insightful display of virginity retention and its associated health benefits.
- If you get accosted by a lax bro and need someone to back you up, call that Tufts Navy SEAL alum. He’ll be able to help.
- Trouble sleeping? Check in with those at the Financial Aid office, who somehow sleep soundly at night.
- Confidence is key. If you need help marketing yourself, contact a TEMS EMT. Or as they like to call themselves, future neuro-gyno-endo-ortho-cardiothoracic surgeons.
- For the easiest A+ you’ve ever had in your life, take Chem 2 with Professor Kryatov.
- The Campus Center is the least crowded place on campus. Seriously, no one ever goes there. So if you need a quiet study space, that’s your ticket.
- If you need help designing a secure online system which cannot be hacked by an undergrad, just ask Tufts Technology Services… Oh, wait.
- Want to immediately boost your popularity? Join The Zamboni!
And with that, you’re ready to conquer. Heed my advice, and nothing will ever go wrong. You’ve got this!
Best wishes,
SJP (again, not the student club)
