Graphic by Mary-Amma Blankson
Oooooooooh this dog STANKS! It’s Colin, back with another splash-tastic review. Heard mad chatter about this flick, definitely a bit burned from last week, if you know you know. So, to shoot the deer right between the eyes, I gotta come out and say– this mama cookin.
Let’s jump right in with the history. We’ve got a classic hero’s journey arc as we follow this hilarious, down-to-earth meh emoji named Gene. Gene, you know, never really had a chance to fit in with the other emojis. His parents, two meh emojis, kinda shot him in the foot ‘cause now he can’t make any other faces. He can’t be happy. He can’t be sad. I doubt he can orgasm. Just meh. BUT when this crazy (hot) rebel chick shows him there’s more to emoji life than following the script someone else laid out for you, Gene’s story begins anew, type shit. Surprisingly deep, I know.
The plot follows the general vibe of the characters hopping from app to app, which is exactly what I do when my Pornhub Premium free trial runs out. In trying to avoid that nefarious bastard, Smiler, Gene and the gang (a group which includes James Corden’s sweaty, sweaty palm) get a full tour of iOS. I thought the Truth Social section was a little heavy-handed, but added some much-needed nuance to Sir Patrick Stewart’s spell-binding cameo role of Poop.
Last night, as I sendy-d my fifth Coors, I realized that maybe this Gene fella and I have more in common than I thought. Not to wring a weasel on a Wednesday, but I’ve often felt that my parents have always prohibited me from being the man I wanna be. And, just like Gene, my goals are always out of reach. Gene’s parents gave him meh. My parents gave me male pattern baldness. There are things you can’t control in life, and Gene opened my eyes like a baby at hibachi.
The injustice. What did he do? I’m genuinely asking. What. Did. Gene. Do. In this capitalist, conforming ass society, even a nice, fun-loving, NFT-Creator (One monkey sold for tens of dollars) can’t make it. Yea, that’s rich. That’s FUCKING rich coming from you, Columbia and Sony Pictures Animation. Yea, walk away. I DONT NEED YOU. I NEVER NEEDED YOU. I will climb this hill, then skull and crossbones emoji on it.
At the end of the day, all I’m doing is “Colin’ it as I see it.” Later, baiter.
