Graphic by Gabriel Currie
A disastrous, dastardly, doodoo disease has reared its dumb head in our homeroom. Surely you know what I am talking about. I speak of the catastrophic, cantankerous, c… C… I can’t say it…
COOTIES!!!
Oh. God… The disgust. The horror. It scares me so. Ever since that day. The day that Mary-Elise came to school sick, her disgusting phlegm has drawn a dark cloud on us all. That horrid beast released this plight upon us. John-Roberts, may God rest his soul, was the first to contract it. He did so unknowingly. No one knew that simply holding hands would spread the filth. Then it came for Michael-Lewis. Poor Michael-Lewis. He was playing tag with John-Roberts when they unknowingly passed on the disease.
I still mourn their loss. Isaac-Davis. William-Oscar. The others.
But I can hope for the future. I can dream.
This is why we need the cooties vaccine. For our fallen brothers. And those who spread this wicked disease, if they even deserve the honor.
To inoculate yourself against the cooties, you must find Nurse Hatchet. She will tell you how brave you are for traversing the school halls. She will hand you a juicebox, and it will fortify you. Once your body has been strengthened, reinforced by 36g of added sugars and fulfilled from the nutrient-packed extract, she will tell you something very scary. But steel yourself! You must not falter.
“You must find who began this disease. Bring her here,” she will say.
You must follow Nurse Hatchet’s directive. Find the vile beast Mary-Elise. Bring her to the nurse.
Then, you must take her hair tie. A friendship bracelet will also suffice. You must then wear it on your wrist for 24 hours. On a school day. If you wear it at home, over the weekend, your immunity will never take hold. Then you too will fall to cooties.
If you can wear her hair tie without faltering, then you have passed. You have reached peak immunity.
You must do this. You must save our brothers. If not for me, then for yourself. Carry on my memory.
