Memo from Peter B. Grifting, former actor and new Chairman of the Trump-Kennedy Center
Graphic by Clara Kolker
Ding dong, the wicked woke is dead!
For the past decade Hollywood has been plagued by the woke mind virus. Female Ghostbusters? Mindy Kaling’s Velma? A foid protagonist in Star Wars? We all know Hollywood used to be so much better. During my heyday, I had the privilege of starring in classics directed by real auteurs. Woody Allen. Roman Polanski. You name em’, I was with em’. I saw everything ol’ Woody did. Yep, everything.
Things used to be so good. One day, you’re doing coke with DiCaprio on his SaveTheTurtles yacht and shaking ass with Cate Blanchett at the Oscars afterparty, and the next day, you’re doing ads for Drafts Kings. You used to be a Democrat, a guest star on progressive 90s sitcoms like Roseanne and Ellen. Now, even they won’t accept you, and those gals were canceled, too! All because you said one thing about your libby co-star’s “pronouns” and “gender identity.” Canceled before you could say “Me Too!” We ALL have all gone through this.
So, I became a Republican… Imagine, little old me, a mouthpiece for cutting taxes for billionaires and deporting babies. Me, doing podcasts with Jake Paul and Clavicular (or Clav as I call him). I don’t call myself a grifter, I prefer the term “uplifter.”
I had no choice. After our glorious leader Trump ended DEI in movies and took control of the venue formerly known as the Kennedy Center, I just had to serve him. And now, I can act again! I can produce. White men are back like we never left.
Serving as the chairman of the Trump-Kennedy Center has been one of the great honors of my life. And on top of that, I have booked starring roles, like in Ben Shapiro’s “Anti-Woke Sinners.” I am set to play the vampire, who is totally chill in this one.
Politics have no place in art. Just look at Lawrence of Arabia, Schindler’s List, hell, even Gandhi! All critically-acclaimed movies that are completely devoid of politics. Now, everything is political. Heavy-handed commentary, forced diversity, and impossible to understand. I didn’t get Superman. Why is he a beta now? Marvel, Netflix, Disney, might as well call them Woke, Woke, and Wokie!
This tomfoolery is why I have accepted the responsibility to represent the Trump administration at the Trump-Kennedy Center, giving a voice not to the voiceless, but to the white people who already have a voice. American public and movie lovers, you’re in good hands. My hands. Trump’s hands. Hands…. So many amazing non-political, God-fearing movies are yet to come. All because this little guy is saying bye, bye, Wokie and hello Donny!
