Graphic by Emily Chavez
I don’t have long before they all start scrolling again. You know who I am, I know who you are: we are Charlie Kirk. I’m the CIA agent behind all the memes your least favorite, most jobless friend won’t shut up about.
I’m writing to you, Zamboni reader, because some people are trying to paint me as the “bad guy.” They’re saying the brainrot memes I pump onto your feed are an attempt to pacify the lower classes and desensitize the youth. You people know what I’m talking about: you all love to like and repost the “witty” Instagram headlines The Zamboni’s social media group chat shits out, especially that piss-ant attention-seeking freshman.
But no, stealing your attention away from our real-life dystopia is not my purpose. That’s not why I Kirkified every celebrity and spent a week making everyone endure explanations of what “gloving” is.
No.
I’m the last line of defense making sure you can’t get overwhelmed by all the real conflicts going on out there. ICE violence in Minnesota is way less interesting than Clavicular Getting Mogged By The ASU Frat Leader. It’s not the culture war you expected… or wanted… but the culture war you need.
Of course, I don’t blame the doubters. It’s easy to point fingers at me when you’re caught up in all the divisive rhetoric going around nowadays. I mean, just think about the Epstein files. Wait, don’t actually think about them, that’d be crazy. Just, like, remember they exist for a second or two. Sitting with all that “eat-the-rich” outrage can gnaw at you. No one wants to think about that. But I’m only here to help. Like bad alcohol you spent way too much for, I give the elite pedophile cabal to you with a chaser of despair, lemonade, and an AI deepfake of Jeffrey Epstein performing Alysa Liu’s “Stateside” routine.
I know I’ve fried your attention spans, so let me sum it up: I am not your enemy. Scrolling is not “flooding your brain” and taking over your lives. It’s a safe place; a warm, cozy womb where perceptions can be reshaped so you don’t have to worry about any of that scary stuff all the adults are talking about right now. Go lay in your bed with your little bright square and let the world just pass you by. It’s so much easier this way.
Bread and circus sounds like a great time right now, don’t you think so?
Don’t you think.
Don’t think.
