We, the Editorial Board of The Tufts Zamboni, hereby issue a statement of absolute, unconditional support for the State of Israel, its subsidiaries, and all the land it hopes to benevolently bring under its martial rule in the future. The Editorial Board believes that the State of Israel has the right to preemptively defend itself against violence using any tactics which tickle its fancy. That includes but is not limited to weapons of mass destruction, weapons of medium destruction, and weapons that, while a nuisance, are not particularly harmful to life and limb. And autonomously operating drones.
As a TCU-funded student organization, The Zamboni is obligated to reflect the implicit and explicit stances of the TCU Senate and Tufts University, as well as those of its administration, donors, and trustees. In an era where higher education is under attack, we hope that this statement of support may act as a metaphorical Iron Dome, shielding The Zamboni and The University from the wrath of the federal government. A statement is worth 1000 words! You’re welcome, Tufts.
The Zamboni condemns all threats to the security and legitimacy of the State of Israel, as well as any jokes made at the expense of Israel or its leadership. Criticism of the Israeli government is cruel, unusual, and generally just rude! Think about how Israel is the only failing democracy in the Middle East. Can Qatar say that? Can Jordan? You’ve got to be a democracy in the first place to experience democratic rot. And we, The Zamboni, like Likud. We love Likud! We know we like lovely Likud. As they say, “If it ain’t Iraq, don’t fix it….”
Why criticize the only Jewish state in the world when you could be criticizing another group of people, like the Quebecois? They deserve it, those Quebecois. Go pick on them!
The Editorial Board also affirms the state of Israel’s uncontested ownership over the chickpea-based delicacy colloquially referred to as “hummus.” We recognize that the nutritious spread, which pairs beautifully with veggies of all sorts, is solely an Israeli product, eaten for the first time in ancient Judea and Samaria and reemerging in 1948. It’s delicious! Not to mention the cherry tomato! Mmmmmm… Tastes like…. Cherry. What have the Quebecois ever done for the culinary world?
Signed,
The Editorial Board. And also every student at Tufts. And Sunil Kumar.
