Graphic by Henry Barraclough
Every day of my sophomore year, I was constantly hounded by first-years beseeching me for my advice on how to succeed. They would look up at me and beg.
“Please, Justin, we’re nothing without your counsel!” “Teach us your ways!”
And I would look down and whisper, “No.”
Until now, that is! Here are my tips to give you the optimal first year here at Tufts.
- On your first day of classes, walk up to the biggest grad student you can find and punch them. This forces them to acknowledge you as both an academic and physical threat and cements your place as the alpha on campus.
- NEVER speak to your professors. They are here solely for research, and they will resent you for every second you waste their time with your inane chatter.
- Bisexualmaxx. Tote bags, film cameras, rock climbing. Actually being bisexual is a plus, but appearing so is IMPERATIVE.
- Spend time exclusively with the people you met in pre-o. It is impossible to meet new people after the first week of September. In fact, the university employs a secret police to “disappear” anyone caught introducing themself after September 8th.
- Have sex as often and as loudly as possible. Kicking your roommate out will show them that you are a fun, social person—and bring the two of you closer!
- There is a magical potion you can drink to ensure a 4.0 GPA your entire time here at Tufts! Go to Lax House and ask for a drink. Once you start to feel sleepy, you’ll know it’s working!
- Prostrate yourself before the most influential and cool group on campus: comedy writers. In fact, it is customary to give them a few bucks whenever you come across one.
