Welcome freshmen! Or as Steve Tisch would’ve called you, “conquests!” We’re so happy to have you on campus. Now I’m sure some of you have been wondering about all this stuff going on with Tufts’ sweetheart Steve “Fitness Center” Tisch and the little words being thrown around like “Epstein files” and “sex offender.” We here at The Zamboni have compiled a little FAQ to help you sort out the truth of the matter and separate the right from the “remarkable lack of judgment.”
Q: Who is Steve Tisch?
A: Clearly you don’t go to the gym. Loser.
Q: Is Steve Tisch also the namesake for the library?
A: No, that’s for the Tisch family, including his brother Johnathan, his father Preston, and their sugar baby, Sunil Kumar.
Q: Why didn’t Tufts make a formal statement on Tisch’s involvement in the Epstein files?
A: The AI they would’ve used was too busy writing last year’s commencement speeches.
Q: Is Steve Tisch connected to the New York Giants?
A: Yes, their 4-13 record is actually what he used to determine his dating range.
Q: Are there other Tufts-affiliated people in the Epstein files?
A: Fiorenzo Omenetto and whichever other engineering professor fails a Daily writer next.
Q: Have any of Steve Tisch’s victims come out publicly?
A: He didn’t really swing that way.
Q: How much money has Steve Tisch given Tufts?
A: Roughly 20 million dollars in exchange for his name on the fitness center and a P.T. Barnum Award for outstanding treatment of people under five feet.
Q: How has the news changed Tisch’s perception among students on campus?
A: DTD had to update all of its hazing practices to honor Tisch’s contributions to the fraternity during his time as president. One anonymous source claimed to have been “Tisched” by their pledgemaster.
Q: Following this shocking revelation that one of Tufts’ largest donors is a criminal sex offender with credible evidence against him, what about the student experience will change?
A: Tuition will go up again, but you knew that.
