STEP 1: Picking a target
You aren’t just looking for any genius, you’re looking for a future member of the bourgeoisie. Luckily, there’s an easy tell: ask your prospect their thoughts on “The Matrix” (1999), “American Psycho” (2000), or any David Fincher movie (1995-2014). If they critically misunderstand any of these films, they’re perfect. You might be asking, “But Zamboni, wouldn’t you have to be pretty stupid to miss the obvious messages in these motion pictures?” Well, I would ask you this: If our upper class were so smart, why did “Firefly” (2002) only get one season? Alt: “The Critic, Greek, Freaks and Geeks,” or “The Muppets” (2015).
STEP 2: Behind every great man … is you.
Try to be supportive. That might mean showing up for his poetry nights, holding him when he sees his Math 55 grade, or even pretending that Cornell could beat any real hockey team. Try taking him out to leisure activities such as solving Fermat’s Last Theorem, comparing business cards, or critiquing the Bush administration. Avoid hard drugs, as they can stunt brain growth in undergrads. As in, don’t let him do hard drugs; you can take whatever you want, you won’t be needing higher brain function where you’re going.
STEP 3: Potential roadblocks
Your future billionaire may attempt to pull a “Social Network” (2010), “Whiplash” (2014), or even a “21” (2008). These are all perfectly normal behaviors for high-achieving students, but may result in him breaking up with you to focus on his career. Instead, try shifting him into a “Legally Blonde” (2001) or a “With Honors” (1994). If you find that your Ivy-League student has pulled a “Soul Man” (1986), return to Step 1.
STEP 4: Legacies? Yes, please!
Divorce can be hard on a child, which might make it hard to decide if you want any at all. Let’s face it: if you could make intelligent decisions, you wouldn’t be seeking advice from a Tufts University publication. That’s why we at the Zamboni are here to tell you to go for it. After all, those kids are half-geniuses, and Ivy-League legacies. Compared to the money you’ll be raking in, therapy bills will be a mere drop in the bucket! Just make sure your child doesn’t wind up dating someone like you.
STEP 5: Cheaters never prosper
Unfortunately, depending on your state of residence, you may have to spend up to twelve years faithful to your husband. That doesn’t mean you can’t get creative! Try imagining him as Ted Danson, early 2000’s “Dracula,” or even the Hamburglar. Who knows, if the sex is bad enough you might even get him to cheat on you!
STEP 6: Get the best lawyer money can buy
That his money can buy, at least. You might want to look for one of those sleazier lawyers with low morals. It’s easy to tell which lawyers have this desirable feature because it’s all of them.
STEP 7: Girlbossing
Congratulations! You’re now officially too rich for your own good. Now it’s time to spend that money. Run for president, start a charity for alcoholic grizzly bears, or remake “Gravity” (2013) with entirely practical effects. Hell, with that much money you could even afford to send a kid to Tufts University! Just the one. If you take out a loan.
STEP 8: Reflection (Hidden tip)
It’s been 8 years since the divorce. You never really loved your ex-husband, yet you miss him all the same. There was something about that pretentious glint in his eyes and his undiagnosed Asperger’s that still burns bright in your memory. The appeal of wealth has long faded. You live in your Hamptons mansion alone now, never able to find another partner. Your days are spent staring off into the ocean as if wishing it would tell you something, give you something. Was it worth it? Are you happy? You don’t have the answers, but then again, does anyone?
