In a shocking turn of events, freshman Karl Thompson, who began the semester with a general interest in political science, has now, after completing just three lectures in Introduction to International Relations, declared himself an expert on every political, social, and economic issue facing humanity.
Karl, whose prior political experience included sporadically liking tweets from Bernie Sanders and reposting the occasional debate meme, now confidently offers unsolicited opinions on every major news story. According to sources close to Karl (his roommates),
this newfound expertise was cemented after a particularly enlightening PowerPoint on “What Is a Democracy?”
“Honestly, it’s just all so clear to me now,” Karl said, adjusting his Tufts-branded hoodie as he prepared to inform yet another group of unwilling listeners about global trade policy. “People are out there debating issues like healthcare and immigration, but it’s not that complicated when you really understand the fundamentals of Rousseau’s Social Contract, which I totally do now.”
Karl’s transformation began innocently enough. During the first week of classes, he attended a few political student group meetings, starting with Tufts Democrats. Now, just two months later, he has self-published a manifesto entitled Why I Know More Than You,
which, according to Karl, will “disrupt the political landscape as we know it.”
His newfound confidence extends across a wide array of topics, including — but not limited to — climate change, foreign policy, healthcare reform, and “the intricacies of the North-South divide, which nobody really gets but me.”
Reports indicate that Karl has begun interjecting himself into casual conversations with his peers to inform them of the “correct” stance on everything from the 2024 election to why
their choice of oat milk over almond milk is “a political statement with unforeseen global implications.”
His roommates, however, seemless than thrilled. “I made the mistake of mentioning the word ‘taxes’ once,” said roommate Josh Parker, undecided, just trying to make it through his first year. “Now every time I walk into our common room, Karl is in there, somehow working it into a five-minute lecture about progressive taxation in Denmark.”
Karl’s ambition doesn’t stop there. He is reportedly planning to start his own podcast — “The Truth According to Karl” where he will graciously provide the world with his in-depth analysis of every policy issue, while still being unsure of how voting works.
“We’re lucky to have such brightminds in the world, like me,” Karl concluded, before heading off to his next class: Western Political Thought I. “I mean, it’s a shame that more people don’t see things as clearly as I do.”
The Zamboni is excited to follow Karl’s political journey, as rumor has it he was last seen in the reading room of Ginn, thumbing through a beaten up copy of Das Kapital.
