From the outside, the world of Sidechat may appear to be occupied by lonely students seeking out sexual partners and simple friendship, occasionally interrupted by a misinformed commentary on race. However, an in depth study facilitated by the Zamboni discovered that the aforementioned reputation is far more nuanced. According to the study, compared to the rest of the student body, top Sidechat users are really good at masturbating alone in a dark room. The data produced by the Zamboni creates a vivid picture of this reality. When we placed regular “non-sidechat users” alone in a room, 100% of the subjects sat in silence until the completion of the experiment. However, when we placed top Sidechat users in the same experiment, 97% of the subjects immediately turned off the lights, lay on the ground and subsequently masturbated to completion. The other 3% took the time to work on their manifestos. So the next time you look to impose a binary categorization upon Sidechat’s top users, remember, they’re also really good at masturbating alone in a dark room.
