Graphic by Sophie Nguyen
Though most people have picked a side going into November, many conflicted swing voters remain. One of the swings is reported to be fitted with a brand new seat cushion, while the other has a rusty nail that goes up your ass. A swing voter from the Tufts Federalist Society stated: “It doesn’t hurt that much actually.”
One swing is chic, new, and has provided the playground with a breath of fresh air that voters have been looking for. The older swing is loud, creaky, and the nails are coming loose. With the swings being twenty years apart in age, one swing is old enough to be the other’s father. The older swing’s promises of “making recess great again” and “draining the playground” are not resonating with swing voters like they once did.
Yet, for many of the swing voters — namely kids that want to be pushed on the swing but scream when it’s too high — still feel their vote is up in the air. Other swing voters, however, gained sympathy for the older, rusty swing after its chains were slightly damaged in an attempt on its life after TUPD was caught lacking.
Issues like slide control, stricter sandbox borders, and pokemon card trafficking are really important to these voters. It’s shaping up to be a contentious election. Be sure to follow The Zamboni for latest updates on swing voters and the vicious four square championship next month.