Graphic by Bex Povill
The Tufts University community was thrilled when DTD revealed that they had adopted a dog into their frat-family. The brotherhood appeared to be orienting itself towards a family-friendly identity by welcoming a German Shepherd named Hildebrand into their home. Jill Zellmer, Executive Director of OEO, brightly remarked on this furry new campus presence.
“Here’s one girl who won’t mind having her belly rubbed by all these frat boys!”
It’s fair to say that Hildebrand’s presence had been the silver lining to a Fall semester otherwise marked by acute academic stress and a particularly virulent frat-flu.
However, reports in the past few days have turned previous feelings of jubilation on their head. According to an insider report, Hildebrand the German Shepherd is not actually a dog, but instead a 65 year old German cleaning lady descended from a family of sheep herders. Members of DTD simply know her as “Dog”. The community has been rocked to its core. Described as a stout figure with thick lensed glasses, Hil-debrand reportedly spent the previous 8 months recovering from double hip replacement surgery before being unwittingly coerced into her role as resident cleaning lady for the DTD frat. Wearing a shock collar, Hildebrand would hobble around the DTD premises picking up discarded beer cans and disposing of them, returning to her cardboard box at the end of the day.
In two verified instances, Hildebrand was placed on door duty during parties and encouraged to use a broom to beat scantily dressed gays out of line.
“Nein! Nein, Weichei. Zurück in die Tiefen, aus denen du gekommen bist,” Hildebrand reportedly hissed at one particularly slutty gay. We were fortunately able to access Hildebrand between her cleaning shifts for a brief interview. “Sind meine Kinder in Sicher-
heit? Geht es ihnen gut?” aggressively asserted Hildebrand. A DTD spokesperson claimed that Hildebrand was merely saying ‘bark-bark’ in German, hence the protracted case of confused identity.
