Graphic by Gabriel Currie
Republican Vice Presidential Candidate J.D Vance visited The Sink as a part of his cafe tour following his viral visit to a local donut shop.
Vance: Hey! It’s me, J.D.
Sink Worker: What can I get you?
V: Yeah…I think we should withdraw funding from
Ukraine.
SW: What about the Ukranians?
V: I’m focused on the future, not the past
Pregnant pause. Vance gives a thumbs-up..
V: So…I feel like you should add more couches to this seating area over there.
SW: Don’t even think about it..
V: Good, good. I’m running for Vice President of the United States.
The sink worker was not impressed. A minute passed with no comment.
SW: Hey, where did you buy your guyliner? I got mine from T.J Maxx.
V: WHAT? I don’t wear guyliner. Insecurely, Vance wipes his guyliner off. He sneaks a glance at the couch in the corner.
Editor’s Note: Vance implied he gets his eyeliner from Sephora.
SW: So, do you want to order something?
V: Yeah, whatever makes sense.
Vance gestures broadly to some croissants. He notices some music playing. He bops his head lizardly.
V: Oh, is this Lana? Did you know there’s a tunnel under Ocean Boulevard?
SW: This is “Rich Girl” by Daryl Hall and John Oates.
V: That’s what they used to call me at Yale.
SW: Wait, that’s what they used to call me
too! Do you want a drink or something?
V: Yeah, that’d be perfect.
SW: Do you want coffee or a Lucy in the Chai or–?
V: Yeah, whatever makes sense.
SW: What? Do you want caffeine?
V: I don’t like caffeine. It’s addicting. And, as you may know, my mother was a drug addict. I was born in a working class family and I know what it’s like to struggle.
SW: Really? I don’t know what that’s like!
V: You will know if we don’t tighten the borders.
SW: WHAT?
V: Um, I mean … how long have you been working here?
SW: Do you want to deport people? Yes or no? V: You see, that’s a tough question–
SW: How is that tough question?
V: I don’t like to answer questions! You told me there wasn’t gonna be fact checking?
SW: Wh-? Can you not include me in the video?
V: Yeah, they want to not be included in the video.
Yeah, let’s make sure that they’re blotted out in post. Good,
good.
They were not blotted out in post.
