Graphic by Bex Povill
WASHINGTON D.C. — Apparently seeking to get in front of a forthcoming Tufts Daily exposé, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. appeared via Instagram Live on Wednesday to confess to the 1885 killing of Jumbo the elephant. “I was driving my favorite train, and I wasn’t drinking, but it wouldn’t have mattered even if I was because I’m really good with the train,” Kennedy explained to an online viewership of nearly 200 people. The train, previously thought to belong to PT Barnum, had perplexed historians for years, who were until now unable to explain its pungent smell and “UnvaXXXed” bumper sticker. “So I was going along the track, and then I just heard this massive thud,” Kennedy continued, making explosion
motions with his hands. “And I’ve seen plenty of animals in my time – in my Harvard days I was president of the taxidermy club. But when I looked at what I hit, I had no idea what this thing was,” said the former presidential candidate. He said, “I assumed it was some
kind of Deep State GMO creature.”
“P.T. was so mad, but I convinced him not to rat me out,” said Kennedy, who explained he gave the circus pioneer “some of the good stuff” and “told him to give the body to the best school in Boston.”
A deluge of skull emojis populated the stream’s live chat by its end. At press time, Kennedy was said to have last Googled “statute of limitations animal cruelty.”
