Graphic by Gabriel Currie
MEDFORD, MA — After a season of devastating storms and flooding, much of the Greater Boston area sank below sea level for good. Today, the iconic Citgo sign above Fenway Park barely shines above the waterline. The once-gorgeous brick architecture of Cambridge and Beacon Hill is now home to colonies of barnacles, oysters, and various kelps. This recent development in Boston’s age-old battle with changing sea levels has forced countless residents to put their lives in-definitely on hold as businesses close and schools shut down.
Among the casualties of the flooding are the renowned universities of Harvard and MIT, both of which were forced to close this academic year. Tufts, on the other hand, is one of the few universities that remains above the rising tides. As a result, Tufts saw an almost 200% increase in applications and a mere 0.5% acceptancerate. Hanna Kanbar, a would-be senior at Harvard, is one of the many prospective Tufts transfers who have been advised to lower their expectations for admission
and look elsewhere.
“I just want to finish my degree, but getting into a half-decent school around here is just impossible,” Hanna said with tears in her eyes. “Everyone tells me I should be more realistic and look at other schools. They’re not being nice about it, either. I don’t think they realize that I went to a small liberal arts school in Cambridge.”
For students at Tufts University, however, Cambridge’s demise is a reason for celebration.
“With Cambridge underwater, Tufts is finally on top,” said Tufts sophomore Fregley Schuldiner, cackling and rubbing his hands together with glee.
“Now Tufts is the best school in Boston. Also, we’re on a hill, so we’re physically on top. That hill probably won’t be around long, though, and we’re gonna have to rebrand as ‘the light on the island,’ or something.”
Like many Tufts students, Fregley was not accepted to Harvard or MIT and feels that the universities somehow deserve their watery graves. When confronted with stories like Hanna’s, Fregley laughed cruelly.
“Serves them right, the bastards. Maybe they’d be better off if they’d let me in to study environmental science. It’s their loss, really,” he continued, failing to hide his bitterness. “Now when someone says they go to a liberal arts school near Boston, people will finally know they mean Tufts, not Harvard.”
