The Tufts study abroad program has officially expanded to Mars and Jupiter.
That’s right, folks, for the 2090-2091 school year, for just a small sum of $69,000,000, students will be able to afford one semester’s worth of tuition. But for an extra $5,000,000, they may choose to study abroad at the planet of their choice. The list originally included three planets to choose from, but was shortened after over 99% of students applied to study on Uranus.
Don’t be deterred by the age-old adage, “Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” Firstly, that only applies to Boston University. And writers for the Tufts Annually. Secondly, Tufts on Jupiter is among the top three programs for interstellar affairs.
Indeed, the academics at these cosmic campuses are quite impressive. With over two hundred classes to choose from, students may customize their class schedule to meet their major requirements while supplementing with exciting extracurriculars like Interstellar First Aid and Rocketry. Regular training will also be conducted on both campuses for members of the Space Force ROTC. There was, however, one mandatory health class added to the curriculum after STD rates on both planets skyrocketed upon the construction workers’ discovery of their sexual compatibility with the extraterrestrial life. The Tufts Department of Religion will direct the class on both campuses, aptly named “Be a Good Episcopalian; Don’t Screw an Alien.”
Unfortunately, there was a mishap on the Jupiter campus as preparations were made. The department placed one too many candles in the university chapel, and since the oxygenation systems on the planet made entirely of gas were up and running… it wasn’t pretty. The construction workers never let the department hear the end of it and came up with a slogan of their own: “Don’t commit arson; screw a martian.”
A note to the more party-minded students: the drinking age on Mars is 326 because of the biological differences between Marsarians and humans.
Other than that, Tufts Res Life and other project leaders have done an incredible job at preserving the most crucial aspects of Tufts’s culture throughout the Solar System. The Tufts Annually held a virtual interview with the head chef at the The Big Red Spot, Tufts on Jupiter’s main dining hall. When asked about key differences between dining at Medford versus the Gas Giant, he said, “It’s no different than eating in Dewick, really. I’m used to being surrounded by copious amounts of gas. And the aliens keep stealing all the forks.”
We hope you’re all as excited as we are to explore the Red and Gas Planets. Now maybe if you all get your heads out of the gutter, Tufts can open a new campus on Uranus.
