Jesus Christ finally came again to judge the living and the dead on Tuesday, as the Gospel foretold.
The Son of God descended from heaven in a custom gold Cybertruck, which He reportedly bought using indulgences. When Christ exited the passenger side of the vehicle (His right-hand man Roman Polanski was chauffeuring), the first words He spoke to the crowd that had gathered to greet Him were, “Good morning and goodnight, sinners. Take it in while you still can. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for a look at this body, for they shall be filled.”
Wearing an open silk robe to ensure His glistening abs were on full display, Christ appeared as chiseled as He was back in His crucifixion days. “The Lord is your shepherd, and you shall want a piece of Him,” He added. Catholic and Protestant groupies alike were enraptured.
With Christ’s triumphant return, the end of the world seemed to have officially begun. “You’re all damned,” Christ declared as He parted the paparazzi like Moses did the Red Sea, “Every last one of you.” Champagne bottles, fireworks, and nuclear warheads around the world were readied accordingly.
But seconds before the Judgment Day celebrations were able to reach their climax, the unthinkable happened. Jesus Christ caught sight of His shadow.
“Sweet Mary!” Christ cried out, stumbling into Roman Polanski’s arms. “I think I just saw a ghost…and not the Holy one!”
Christ’s spook ordained 600 more years of civilization, much to the collective dismay of humanity.
A clearly shaken Christ retreated to His Cybertruck with the help of Roman Polanski.
“Peace be with you, I guess,” The Lamb of God murmured to the crowd. He sheepishly pulled His silk robe closed.
Unfortunately, the world will have to keep on turning until He comes again.
