Disney recently announced that Toy Story 79 has entered the pre-production stage. This is the 89th installment in the Toy Story franchise, which consists of 79 Toy Story films, five Lightyear spin-offs, four Woody neo-westerns, and one erotic Bullseye film from David Lynch. Old-school Toy Story fans were skeptical of the announcement, especially after the critical and commercial failure of Toy Story 78: Toyz for Boys. This also comes in light of Disney’s controversial decision to cover colonialism in Moana 4 through the lens of a legal drama, in which Moana sues the Dole corporation for its crimes against Hawaii.
Many pretentious cinephiles and Letterboxd users have complained that Disney lacks creative integrity and is retreading the same old characters and tired stories. Some even said the Bullseye film was a literal beating of a dead horse, but the higher-ups at Disney say otherwise. Disney CEO Hulk Hogan (yes, he’s immortal brother, and the CEO of Disney now) wiped his tears with the $4.3 trillion the last Toy Story film made. Hogan argues: “The complexity of what we produced in the past still taps into the same emotional appeal as our previous films, while facing 22nd century issues, brother.” He cited how Disney has, somehow, kept all the original voice actors the same.
This begs the question – where is the warehouse where they keep Tom Hanks? According to The Zamboni’s esteemed journalists, his body has completely decomposed and there is nothing left but his vocal cords, tongue, and lips – which are kept in a jar by Disney so he can keep voicing the iconic cowboy. The jar is filled with a murky, forest green color and several teeth are missing. His captivating dark brown eyes have become black and lifeless, showing he is no longer the captain now. Doubters question if all this hassle is worth it. Why not try something original? Why not make something new instead of making things like Lion King 13: Timon’s Big Break? Or bizarrely covering Riley’s newfound sex addiction in Inside Out 18? And, to these doubters, I say: NAH. Time to sit down on the couch and watch my favorite film from the Toy Story franchise — Toy Story 63: Andy’s In Hospice.
