Graphic by Eden Stambaugh
In the last eight weeks, record-breaking numbers of students have complained of severe back pain and an intense spinal skew. One horrified onlooker described the phenomenon’s appearance like that of “an intense gravitational field has taken hold of one side of the body, while the other side tries in vain to resist its pull” (Fig 1). The Zamboni is here to investigate. Yes, you read that right. Tufts’ most respected publication has broken into the medical field.
The condition has been colloquially termed “The Tufts Tilt.” The intense curvature of the spine is likely due to widespread insistence on using designer tote bags to carry anything and everything. When asked why they were unwilling to transition to a backpack, one victim rolled their eyes and replied “…Backpacks? It’s giving FAFSA.”
Most prevalent among international students and those with their names on buildings, professionals advise that this affliction should not be taken lightly, lest we be featured on the nightly news thrice in one blasted semester. At the time of writing this article, the women’s tennis team has been all but annihilated and The Sink is running at half-capacity. The Zamboni enquired whether barista positions were now open to students who had previously applied; we were met with a stare so withering we wet ourselves.
Prolonged exposure can cause permanent damage to the spine, shoulders, and dignity as the tilt becomes more pronounced. Without intervention, The Zamboni fears that Tufts’ biggest donors will become permanently incapacitated — the consequences of which are perhaps too awful to even imagine. Heed our plea Jumbos, cast off your Chanel, banish your Birkins, give up your Gucci, and for the love of god, lose the Longchamps!
