Call them what you want: hobos, bums, tramps, beggars. The homeless are widely considered to be a rock at the bottom of American society. It is difficult to imagine life without their shining example of grit, grime, and determination. But it turns out these people are hiding a dirty secret under those rags. Who you thought were the poorest are actually the richest. Stealth wealth has gone so far, it’s become invisible.
To investigate this slimy scheme, I took to the city streets. I soon discovered a classic chimney sweep slumped on the stoop of a pawn shop. But then I noticed a cardboard sign propped up beside him, scrawled with the words “HUNGRY NEED $$ FOR FOOD ANYTHING HELPS.” This man was no friend of Mary Poppins. He was “homeless!”
I waved a five dollar bill under the man’s nose — a smelling salt for misers like himself. He awoke with a start, and I asked him what his name was.
“Tony,” he said.
“Tony what?” I asked. He was silent, rubbing his face with his hands. “Rockefeller?” I supplied. “Vanderbilt? Carnegie?”
Tony Money shrugged, feigning innocence.
“What is your estimated net worth?” I asked, pocketing the five dollar bill.
“Huh?”
“Would you put it in the millions?”
Tony Money just blinked at me, eyes like a slot machine.
“Seems pretty selfish to be begging for donations instead of making them,” I said, gesturing toward his sign, “Considering your financial position.”
“What is this? Who are you?”
“The jig is up, Tony Money. America is going to know the truth about your kind.”
“Are you a cop?” Tony Money asked.
“I’ll tell you what, Tony.” I lit a cigar – a peace pipe for tycoons like himself – and took a drag. “How about you and I go finish our little conversation up in your penthouse?”
“Please leave me alone.”
There are hundreds of thousands of these posers all over the country: princes playing pauper, smugly wallowing in their own filth. Tony Money wanted to be left alone to count his coin. What he did not count on was the power of the free press and the heroism of one humble journalist.
Rest assured, America. The rich man will get his just desserts. That sign claimed he was hungry, after all.
