In the latest series of Tufts’ dining rodent infestations, a large rat was discovered bathing in the kitchen sink of the Dewick-MacPhie Dining Center. TUPD arrived on the scene within hours and later quarantined the rat in the campus holding cells, commonly referred to as “the Courts”. When asked to describe the suspect, students at the scene reported that the rat was “oddly attractive,” expressing an interest in his pointy, angular face and chiseled smile. One such student revealed her desire to make the rat her “hot rodent boyfriend.” Later that evening, Sunil Kumar spoke to journalists.
“The rat awaits a disciplinary hearing and possible extermination. However, should the rodent run for the TCU presidency and win, it is unconstitutional for him to be prosecuted.” Shortly after Dewick Head Chef, Bertrand Bubblebell, came to the rat’s defense and agreed to an interview with The Zamboni to plead the rat’s case.
Bubblebell identified the rat as Louis Mousegione, who featured in the hit 2007 docu-film “Ratatouille”, as Remy’s second cousin once-removed. “This rat experienced the real-life emotional drama of a Parisian culinary dream,” the chef confided. “The film inspired his own passion for cooking. It grew his desire to step out of his cousin’s gastronomic shadow to make a name for himself.”
Knowing he couldn’t possibly compete with his cousin’s widely popular restaurant in France, Mousegione moved to the “land of opportunity” to open his own eatery. Unfortunately, Mousegione’s small, family-owned business was unable to stay afloat as the costs of groceries continued to rise. Radicalized by corporate price gouging, Mousegione assassinated a top executive of PepsiCo. On the run from the authorities and looking for a place to lay low, Mousegione agreed to help Bubblebell in exchange for a steady supply of amateurly seared hamburger patties.
“Unfortunately, Mousegione did not inherit the same natural talent as Remy,” Bubblebell lamented. “He doesn’t know when to stop with the salt on these Asian street noodles. And the vegetables, man. They’re practically just garlic with a side of spinach. But every time I try and go easy on the seasoning, he just yanks on my chest hair until my hands are in the ingredients again.” The resulting dishes have left students disappointed, many of whom frequently claim that Dewick is worse than Carm. Bubblebell has come to regret forming a partnership with Mousegione and prays for the day when they can go their separate ways.
Despite what other dining hall workers have suggested, Bubblebell insists that his relationship with Mousegione remains strictly professional.
“I think there might be a language barrier there,” Bubblebell suggested. “I’m only on Unit 2 of French on Duolingo and he refuses to learn English.”
Bubblebell thanked The Zamboni for allowing him to break his silence, and promised to atone for his culinary sins. In the meantime, the rat remains in custody at the Courts following an unsuccessful bid for the TCU presidency. Mousegione only received 226 electoral votes in a landslide defeat.
However, the questionably-talented rat may be free soon. Swooning students are donating en masse to Mousegione’s GiveSendGo, bringing the rodent closer to meeting his bail, which was fortunately set at an accessible $92,167.
