A whistleblower, who has asked to remain anonymous, recently revealed the existence of a long-rumored secret society at Tufts University. The whistleblower, Tyler Frojmovich, stumbled to the steps of The Zamboni HQ, rambling incoherently about ‘The Jumbottoms.’ Frojmovich’s anonymous reports claim that the society consists solely of affluent, white Bottoms. One may ask: Is that not all of Tufts? Yes, yes it is. However, we are told that they only select the most ‘bottom-y Bottoms’ to be part of their exclusive cohort.
Secret societies at universities are not a new phenomenon. The infamous Skull and Bones at Yale boasts powerful American figures like George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush, and John Kerry. According to the snitching Frojmovich, famous Jumbottoms include Dan Crenshaw, Leonard Carmichael, Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci, and ‘Grindr’ founder Joel Simkhai. Our source says that they host homosocial bonding events (maybe ‘Twister’), GOP prayer circles, and festive orgies. This reporter definitely has no idea how an orgy happens with all Bottoms, but good for them.
Frojmovich notes that the society is in line with Tufts institutional values, and, like any university secret society, the Jumbottoms are rich, white, and old, but also “just a little more quirky.” We have heard they make up the Tufts Deep State – working right out of the Ballou Hall basement. They are behind the results of every TCU election, the JCC shower incident, and even Jumbo’s assassination. Frojmovich claims that “The Mooch” travelled back in time and piloted the train that ran over Jumbo. The Mooch then time travelled to 1975 to burn down Barnum Hall. Apparently, the Jumbottoms also killed the ultimate Top, President John F. Kennedy Jr.. Not RFK, though. He’s a Bottom. His death was a big tragedy in the Bottom community.
What are the Jumbottoms’ goals? Probably something only Bottoms could understand, which I am not. Speaking of Bottoms, Frojmovich claims to have been ousted from the Jumbottoms for recently coming out as a Switch. He came to us out of fear of this all-powerful organization.
Frojmovich fearfully commented, “They’re everywhere and nowhere. The Jumbottoms believe the world has been run by Tops for far too long. It’s time for a Bottom Revolution.” Frojmovich’s tormentor, Crenshaw, personally fixed Biden’s 2020 election. He also fixed Trump’s election. That’s right…they’re both Bottoms.
You heard it here first. Amidst these bold plans and devilish conspiracies from the Jumbottoms, the hierarchy of power in the universe is about to change. The Tops will become Bottoms. And the Bottoms will become Tops. All because of the Jumbottoms. They will topple the current hierarchy and, apparently, there’s nothing we can do to stop it. So, we drink to the end of the world as we know it. Bottoms up!
