Since its inception in January 2009, the membership badge has afforded Club Penguin residents with a life of never-ending luxury. For a small fee of $5.95 ($7.95 after inflation) per month, penguins can unlock access to a wider variety of mini-games, the highest quality clothes on the market, and multi-story luxury igloos. Expectedly, this has driven a wedge between the island population, resulting in the creation of an entire class of penguin bourgeois.
As membership perks slowly intensified over the years, so did prejudice against the proletariat. What began as igloo mortgage denials has since escalated into vehicular assault by Members in their Golden Off-Roaders. To confirm this, our undercover agents at The Zamboni traveled to Club Penguin Island disguised as default penguins, where they were run over on sight.
The Zamboni reached out to Captain Rockhopper for comment, who simply said “YAAR. CAPITALISM.”
The last straw for the Proletariat, however, was the gatekeeping of puffles, the friendly fuzzballs who will gladly do a penguin’s bidding. The non-member population was outraged upon the implementation of the two-puffle policy, even more so after the debut of the JD Vance puffles which had limited adoption access — these exclusive puffles are said to have a knack for digging up coins and various rare items between couch cushions.
“What I make at the pizza parlor in 15 hours, these bastards and their Vances can dig up in seconds. This is blasphemous!” said one penguin. This user was swiftly banned and is rumored to be trapped in Herbert Bear’s basement.
The newly formed BPU (Broke Penguin Union) recently decided to officially sever all ties to Club Penguin Island and establish their own community elsewhere. Of course, given the socioeconomic state of the Arctic at the moment, these non-member penguins had no choice but to settle for the next best thing: Somerville. Tufts students have reported seeing igloos erected on the academic quad, housing a large population of penguins and their (albeit, very sparse) puffles.
When reached for comment on this development, Tufts University President Sunil Kumar said, “not this encampment shit again.” University administration has made several attempts to remove the penguin settlement to no avail — Somerville police are continuously assaulted by Card Jitsu fireballs upon arrival. The student body seems divided on this new penguin community, with some glad that someone is finally asserting their dominance over the geese. Others, however, are wishing the penguins would stop ruining the grass by trying to ice fish. Regardless, it appears as though these penguins are here to stay … at least until they find out about the campus Cybertruck.
