Tufts students returning to campus after Winter Break may have noticed the new Eaton Hall renovations, which reworked the layout of the historic building, introduced a disability-code-compliant elevator, and added a new central glass facade, among other changes. However, these renovations may serve an additional purpose.
Elizabeth Torres, Senior Director of the Tufts University Office of Budget and Planning, revealed in an interview last Tuesday that the renovations are just the first step in a major project to construct an enormous battle robot. Inspired by the Megazord from the television series Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Torres claims that the renovated Eaton Hall will be equipped with top-of-the-line jet engines, allowing it to uproot itself from its place on the academic quad and fuse with other buildings/campus features to form an immense and powerful academic weapon.
A contact within the OBP explained further that Courts 93 and 95 are to form the arms, which the robot will use to wield Court 91 like a sword. Reportedly, the Davis Square and SMFA shuttles are to be the robot’s legs, and Tufts President Sunil Kumar’s famous hellcat will be its head.
Project Jumbozord was greenlit in response to reports of Harvard’s Biomedical Engineering Department’s plans to assemble a league of zany, evil, space creatures. Torres says that all tuition funds of the Classes of 2029, 2030, and 2031 will be diverted towards the project’s staggering 5-8 billion dollar budget. “It is likely that the quality of facilities will substantially deteriorate for these students as a result of Project Jumbozord’s vast scale,” says Torres, “a regrettable, yet necessary, consequence of our quest to stand up to the injustice Harvard’s band of aliens are sure to wreak if we do not build an enormous, state-of-the-art war automaton.”
The six parts of Jumbozord are to be piloted by Sunil Kumar, the deans of the College of Arts and Sciences, Engineering, and SMFA, the spirit of PT Barnum, and an unnamed foreign exchange student whose father donated a large sum of money. Some have expressed concern that others may try to hijack Jumbozord or one of its parts and use it for evil purposes.
“For those worried about our robot getting hacked or gaining sentience and turning against its creators, you can rest assured, as all mini-zords require two-factor authentication through DuoPush Security to be piloted.”
– Lorna Koppel, Director of Information Security at Tufts Technology Services
