The end of 2024 wasn’t easy for Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Beast; his Amazon Prime game show was facing legal challenges for inhumane treatment of contestants, and he was even hit with similar allegations from ex-employees on his home platform of YouTube. Jimmy needed to prove to the world, once and for all, that he was YouTube’s biggest star for a reason. The answer was simple and blindingly obvious: twisted ethical dilemmas. Sure, he’d already done a version of the trolley problem in his acclaimed* Amazon Prime show BEASTGAMES, but what is a Lamborghini and a few gameshow eliminations in the face of human lives? Besides, everyone knows remakes are all the rage these days.
“It’s actually a genius move,” remarked one Beast video editor, who wishes to remain anonymous, as he recalled a conversation with his perpetually grinning overlord. “If we edit the video to show more contestants pulling the lever than not, we can teach your young, impressionable viewers Utilitarian values. The hordes of adoring 8-year-olds will defend you in the comments section if any haters have a problem with all of the cold-blooded murder you committed! The kids will say that your actions can’t be immoral because of all of the philanthropy you’ve done. It’s the greater good!”
Jimmy Beast reportedly responded “I’m not sure what you said just now, but I definitely agree with that last part. I sure do love philanthropy! Anyways, for the video title I’m thinking something along the lines of ‘I TIED six people to TRAIN TRACKS and made a stranger PULL A LEVER to decide WHO LIVES!’”
When the editor cautioned him against taking credit for the idea of a decades-old famous ethical dilemma, Beast appeared confused initially, but eventually replied, “Hmm, I must’ve stumbled on ancient wisdom in my years of diligently studying the YouTube algorithm. How about ‘I Forced One Hundred People To Make A Sickening Decision For ONE MILLION DOLLARS!’”
The anonymous employee’s strategy seems to have worked a little too well, as none of the video’s top comments were critical, and as a result no viewers needed to defend Jimmy’s humanity.
These top comments instead expressed, “Jimmy is TRULY the great mind of our generation,” “I wish I lived in North Carillinia so I cud be in his videos,” and “Like this comment if you can’t wait for the new Lunchly flavor. edit: wow I can’t believe I got 1 thousand likes I’m famous.”
In fact, it took several Zamboni writers working together over the course of several hours to find any negative comments at all. When we finally did find a comment that stated “I hope candidate 37 was able to pay for a good therapist with all that money. He looked haunted,” it was unclear if the anonymous editor’s theory was correct or not. All of the replies were identical, containing only the 4-word phrase “ur mom looks haunted.”
But it seems some whispers of criticism did reach Jimmy’s wealth-encrusted ears, as he took to Twitter to defend himself a few days after posting the video. He tweeted, “I’ve taken immediate action to remove the trolley from the company, channel, and any associations with MrBeast. I do not condone or support any of the trolley’s inappropriate actions.” A few hours later, he added the addendum: “To address certain concerns, I know for a fact that none of the participants suffered in my recent video. And for the low low price of four dollars at your local Walmart, neither will you!” This message was accompanied by an image of a bloodstained Feastables chocolate wrapper poking out of the pocket of a man strapped to the trolley tracks.
