5:30 AM: Wake up before my lazy roommate. I put on my big silly dork glasses and take out my retainer that I make sure to wear every night.
6:00 AM: I shower using my trusty Head & Shoulders shampoo and Irish Spring bar soap. I don’t believe in conditioner.
6:30 AM: Designated satire reading hour.
7:30 AM: I arrive at Dewick MacPhie as it opens. I eat three all-nine free pancakes and a generous pile of home fries. I drink two cups of milk, pop a pimple, and do my reading for my 9 AM Introduction to Economics lecture.
8:40 AM: I arrive 20 minutes early for my lecture, before the TA, before the professor. I take my seat in the second row. I do the New York Times crossword mini while I wait.
9:00 AM: I am locked into the lecture. I take notes on my iPad with my Apple Pencil. I chew on the end of it as I think. There are bite marks on it.
10:15 AM: Back to Dewick for brunch. I fill my plate with Tuscan vegetable medley and more home fries. It makes for a succulent meal. I wrap a mini cinnamon bun in a napkin for later. I review this week’s notes for my afternoon lecture and annotate them as I go.
1:20 PM: I arrive early for Industrial America And Urban Society: The Progressive Era To The Great Depression. My apple pencil races across my screen. I raise my hand often and correct the professor. He thinks he knows more than me. He’s wrong.
4:00 PM: I return to Dewick for Munch Time. I fill a bowl with penne and smother it in alfredo sauce, and grab a stack of napkins. God knows I’ll need them. I run into my friend Milton Benedict Rockefeller. We dine together and discuss the crumbling concrete stairs between Hillsides and Hallowell halls.
4:40 PM: It’s getting pointy. I excuse myself and dash to the bathroom and fling open the door to my favorite stall. I open youtube shorts in order to cover the sound of the sweet, imminent expulsion. The alfredo has run its course.
5:03 PM: I return to Milton, slightly dampened with sweat, but victorious. I discreetly place a work order for the restroom. Milton either doesn’t notice or chooses not to comment.
5:30 PM: I attend Fiber Arts Club. I make a friendship bracelet for myself. It is a chevron stripe in powder blue and brown for Tufts. It accentuates my slender wrists and levels up my sex appeal.
7:30 PM: Halal chicken dinner at Dewick with a side of home fries and rice pilaf. I eat a couple of cold beets from the salad bar to humor my mother.
8:00 PM: I rewatch the Wolf of Wall Street and wonder what quaaludes feel like as I eat my now stale Dewick mini cinnamon bun. I think I would make a pretty good stockbroker one day.
11:00 PM: I strip naked and slather myself with eczema cream before sliding beneath my bedspread. Sheets are too much of a hassle for my grindset; laundry only slows me down.
11:15 PM: Lights out before my roommate gets home from whatever pointless social event he’s been invited to.
