After over a century of investigation, the Tufts’ Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine has finally accomplished the first step in proving the Infinite Monkey Theorem. The Infinite Monkey Theorem, first proposed by French mathematician Émile Borel in 1913, asserts that a monkey randomly clicking on the keys of a typewriter, given infinite time, would eventually type the complete works of Shakespeare. Bonbon, the test subject and beloved companion of Borel’s deceased son, has recently reached his first milestone, though not without controversy.
“Bonbon managed to type Hamlet, but we have yet to achieve the complete works.” Dr. Adams, head of research on MonkeyType, explained.
When presented with the manuscript, Head of Veterinary Research Dr. Beetles could’ve sworn he’d seen it before. “I mean, it was just like the Lion King. I figured there’s no way this monkey wrote it independently. Academic integrity is a cornerstone of this institution. Bonbon is an immoral stain on the Cummings school and must be removed before he infects the other test subjects.”
“In retrospect, I’m not sure Dr. Beetles really understood what we’re doing here.” Dr. Adams confided, expressing frustration at her supervisor’s response. “I highly doubt that he has ever actually read Shakespeare.”
Despite Dr. Adams’s objections, Dr. Beetles promptly referred the manuscript to the Undergraduate Department of English to check for plagiarism. The report published by the Dean of Students’ Office explained that the department first planned to run the manuscript through Turnitin, but faced difficulty upon discovering that Bonbon did not have the program on his typewriter. To solve this problem, they gave the typewritten manuscript to a TA, who copied it into a Google Doc and submitted it to Canvas. Lo and behold, the writing was a 100% match with William Shakespeare.
“If you check our website, you’ll find a quote from Sylvan Barnet and Hugo Bedu which explains that the word plagiarism comes from the Latin word for ‘kidnapping,’” the Dean of Students’ Office report states. “In a lot of ways, this monkey kidnapped William Shakespeare’s baby.” When asked for comment regarding this accusation, Bonbon typed: “dfjkdshdaslukehqw89rggifu.”
Members of the campus Bonbon rights group “Save Bonbon” have interpreted the monkey’s comment in two ways. Many consider this response as proof that Bonbon has been denied due process because of the language barrier, arguing further that he should have infinite time to type his defense. Tufts Administration has rejected this timeline, calling it unrealistic. Others are concerned about Bonbon’s mental fitness to face judgment at all, suggesting that he might suffer from zoochosis – a form of psychosis experienced by animals held in captivity. Zoochosis is characterized by monotonous and repetitive actions that serve no purpose, such as clicking randomly on a typewriter. Dr. Adams asserts that this is merely the nature of MonkeyType and that she and her team always take measures to preserve their beloved test subject’s sanity. These measures include providing Bonbon with a daily Cocomelon dance party and limiting the use of shocks as punishment.
In response to Save Bonbon’s concerns regarding how Bonbon is alive after over one hundred years, Dr. Adams said, “It is critical to the experiment’s integrity that we continue to use the original monkey. Borel was clear in his theorem that it must be the same monkey in infinite time, not multiple.” However, Dr. Adams neglected to comment on the specific methodology used to keep Bonbon alive for over a century when the average monkey lives under thirty years.
Bonbon is currently facing potential expulsion from the testing program of the Veterinary school of medicine. If Bonbon is expelled from the research program, he will have only 24 hours to vacate the premises, which will be difficult considering his age and health. At the same time, Dr. Adams is advocating to keep Bonbon for the time it takes him to finish typing the complete works of Shakespeare. Dr. Beetles protests that such behavior could result in Tufts being sued by the Disney Corporation. “We’re lucky Disney hasn’t retaliated against us for plagiarising the Lion King, but God knows what they’ll do if Bonbon steals the plot of Gnomeo and Juliet or 10 Things I Hate About You.” Despite the scandal, Dr. Beetles emphasized that the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine will publish their findings regardless of what happens to Bonbon. “It’s a scientific breakthrough, I mean, come on. The Tufts Cummings School will be listed right along with Émile Borel himself in textbooks across the world.”
