Deep in the academic wilderness of Tufts University, a strange and powerful creature lurks among the unsuspecting undergraduate population. It is a being unlike any other — a student, yet… not quite. This is the graduate student, a fearsome academic predator whose presence in your intro-level lecture is deeply unsettling.
The elusive grad student is easy to spot if you know what to look for. Unlike the typical Tufts undergrad, who stumbles into class with moments to spare in a hoodie and second-day sweatpants that were “clean enough”, the grad student arrives ten minutes early in business casual attire — often featuring a blazer that screams, “I am significantly closer to paying off a mortgage than you.”
Another telltale sign? They are bizarrely awake at 9:00 AM. While you’re still contemplating whether it’s acceptable to substitute a coffee from Kindlevan as breakfast, they have already read all 12 readings for today’s class and written an email that opens with “Dear Esteemed Professor.” To add insult to injury, they sip on a home-crafted oat milk cold brew latte and say something ominous like, “Spending $5 on coffee every day is how they get you.”
The grad student can smell the raw fear of undergrads who didn’t do last night’s discussion board. Their primary hunting tactic is intellectual domination, often striking when least expected. You may be sitting in a casual class discussion, barely getting by on the one paragraph you half-skimmed about five minutes ago from the PDF, when suddenly — BAM. They pounce:
“Actually, when I was working in international trade negotiations in Geneva last summer, I found that…”
The air leaves the room. Your professor nods enthusiastically. You begin to question every life decision that led you to this moment.
But their predatory prowess doesn’t stop there. While you and your group slap together a last-minute presentation using the first Google Slides template you see, the grad student has prepared a meticulously designed slide deck on PowerPoint, complete with footnotes and a bibliography for that one graph they pulled from an obscure academic journal. You sit there, watching in horror as their presentation seamlessly transitions between slides, realizing that your group is about to look like you just discovered how to use a computer. And just like that, they’ve locked you in their web. You’re immobilized, waiting to be devoured in front of the entire class.
If you thought they were taking this class just to get a credit like you, think again. The grad student is here for personal enrichment. They already have degrees in economics and political science but thought The Role of Multinational Corporations in Global Humanitarian Crises sounded like a fun way to spend their Wednesday mornings.
And, just when you think you’re safe, they drop the most chilling phrase of all: “I actually presented a paper on this topic at a conference last spring.” That’s right. They don’t just write essays. They write papers, which they submit to conferences, which they presented last spring, which your professor attended. You are no longer sure if you’re even qualified to be sitting in this class.
If a grad student has targeted your lecture, do not panic. Here are some key survival strategies:
- Avoid eye contact during discussions – If they sense weakness, they may challenge you with a follow-up question.
- Casually mention an unpaid internship – This may establish you as a non-threat.
- Throw out vague academic buzzwords – Say something like “the intersection of systemic structures and global trends” and pray that no one asks you to elaborate.
- Pretend to take notes – Furiously scribble literally anything in your notebook, even if it’s just the words “i pay 90k a year to deal with this,” over and over again. If they think you’re writing down the next big theory, they’ll leave you alone for a few weeks.
- Feign deep contemplation – If cornered and all else fails, nod slowly and say, “That’s such an interesting perspective—I’d love to hear others’ thoughts on this.” This deflects the pressure on someone else.
- Strategically sit near the door – If you feel the heat rising and all else has failed, make a quick exit by claiming “the existential weight of this conversation is too much for my soul today with the current state of the world.” No one will question your mysterious departure.
