Graphic by Michael Batkin
When you threw that graduation cap up in the air, you thought you threw your life away along with it. There is no need to be coy about this fact. Coy is something a waitress is, or an escort who has not been paid enough. We are not coy — No, you and I sauntered down the hall and banged each locker like a gong. The world trembled beneath the soles of our Chuck Taylors, so eager and ready to please us. The days were grapes served to us on chaise lounges by geeks, slowly and one at a time. Life was sumptuous, because high school was our summit. But there is no need to worry — High school doesn’t have to be over just because your diploma says it is. All that fun is waiting for you here in college!
There is a vibrant culture of conformity in college that, like a hug from a team of athletes in matching letterman jackets, will put you at ease. We are all defined by our label in college, and there are no exceptions. Choose from a collection of classics — dork, jock, sexual deviant. The label sticks, and the rest will come quick. Your built-in social group will locate you. There is no use running or hiding from us.
In college, we have a motto you will recognize from high school: bully, or be bullied. The bigger and cooler pick on the smaller and lamer. All the freaks without a social group are customer number one for menu items such as knuckle sandwiches, super swirlies, and atomic wedgies. Watch out for the jocks — they give out purple nurples to everybody, professors included.
You still shudder in delight at the thought of making out under the bleachers. There is no need to worry! In college, this type of clandestine romance is as raging as our hormones. We pass notes in class and we keep it sexy. Remember how you folded the notebook paper into a cootie catcher and used your saliva as a seal? That’s how we still do it. But the romance is not confined to paper, of course. Our love leaps into band rooms, into janitor’s closets, and into public transportation. Watch out for the sexual deviants — they’re watching out for you.
It goes without saying that all the kids like you who were popular in high school stay on top in college. Take comfort in the fact that some things never change, and your life is one of them. The view’s pretty sweet up here — losers below as far as the eye can see.
