Dear First-Year Virgin,
I was you once. Long ago. I probably don’t seem so different from you, but trust me, I am. There are miles of maturity, experience, worth, and sex-appeal between us. But I am familiar with being pathetic and lonely, so out of the goodness of my heart, I am going to help you get laid.
The first and most crucial step is to download Sidechat, the breeding ground for all hookups on campus. Posting something overtly sexual and vaguely desperate such as “1 want to fuck” will yield at least five responses from totally attractive and normal peers. The first question you should ask is “m or n or f?” It’s very seductive.
Throughout the semester, you may also have opportunities to find connections in person. If you begin a friendship with someone of your desired sex, it is a perfect chance to pursue copulation. Tell your friends that “you’ve always wanted them” because of their “insistence on always saying hello and wearing tank tops.” For this, it helps to have female friends.
Hinge is another huge opportunity for losing that virginity of yours. You should only like the first picture on anyone’s profile. Never ever send a chat. Be sure to respond in as few words as possible. We seem less sad that way, which is important because loneliness is everyone’s biggest turnoff. Also scant responses add allure and mystery.
The most important part of the deflowering process is to never, ever become emotionally vulnerable with another person. Relationship is a dirty word. If someone pursues this with you, turn and run. They are trying to trap you down, but baby, you are in your prime. Hot, young, Jumbo ass. Don’t lock that thang down just yet.
Yours truly,
Mathews Fritz
