Q&A With the Editor in Chief

The following is a compilation of letters our Editor in Chief Jack Wilan has received in the past few months.

Dear Zamboni Editor-in-Chief,

Is it really true that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?

Unsure About Idioms

Dear Unsure about Idioms,

Not if you beat around the bush, then you could kill the two of them with one stone and have three birds in the hand. If you catch my drift.

Ed.

Dear Zamboni Editor-in-Chief,

I think that I’m slowly falling for my RA – I know it’s bad, but I just can’t stop myself. What should I do???

Freshman Falling Fast

Dear Freshman Falling Fast,

See page # (insert page number) for “How to Not Fuck your RA”

Ed.

Dear Zamboni Editor-in-Chief,

Is gout still something to be worried about?

– Fretful with Swollen Feet

Dear Fretful with Swollen Feet,

Although it’s a worry shared by many of your fellow Americans, gout is an ‘old world disease’ unlikely to appear should you maintain a balanced diet and workout regimen. Try eliminating offal!

Ed.

Dear Zamboni Editor,

Why is humanity so cruel?

Despondent Humanist

Dear Despondent Humanist,

Pancreatic cancer, asthma, forest fire, plague, dementia-riddled grey matter deteriorating the mind till the soul too is gone — these things are all natural; so too is human cruelty. We hope to live in a society absent of misdeed. We wish to realize a world in which one’s self-interest need never come at the expense of another’s. Let us make cruelty unnecessary and unwanted! Yet, it seems the further along that we move towards such a world, such a wealthy and unwanting world, the clearer it becomes that cruelty is not merely a consequence of material scarcity. Perhaps it has more, then, to do with culture? It is not the economic factors of our societies that determine kindness to one’s fellow man, but rather our human cultures. I respond: What is Christianity if not a cult of the ‘good man?’ Jesus was a good man, humanity recognized it, and the most powerful religion in the world based itself off of trying to emulate his goodness. And yet!!! Christianity did not eliminate human cruelty in the slightest; rather, it allowed itself to be weaponized by the cruel. Terrible deeds made their mark on human history in the name of this ‘good man.’ Such is true of any great attempt at realizing a ‘good’ culture for humanity. What became of liberal ‘human rights’ when faced with a war in Vietnam that just had to be fought (yes, of course this editor is being facetious)? If such a grand cultural force as Christianity failed so spectacularly at truly realizing the good, what hope do we possibly have of believing that culture can keep us from our evil human natures? What to do? What to think? Toughen up a little! This world is a rough place for intelligent Savannah apes like ourselves. Go read a book. Go swim in a lake. Go spend time with your quickly aging parents before they too shrug off the mortal coil and leave this natural world behind. Stop thinking, cease worrying, crush despondency underneath the clear-clenched fist of intellectual detachment. Stop wanting. Only then can you begin to truly feel.