Graphic by Henry Barraclough
October 17, 2025—After months and months of critical feedback from its artists, Spotify has announced that it will make sweeping changes that will surely satisfy all parties. The first resolution? Bringing back the mines.
Rather than having to scrounge through couch cushions to find a dime, Spotify has introduced a way for artists to make a stable living deep underground, just how they like it. Starting in late November, all independent artists who publish their music on Spotify will begin working at the newly reopened coal mines in Scranton, Pennsylvania. From 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. they will be sent deep down into the womb of the Earth to extract its tender morsels.
When asked for their thoughts, only a few artists had the energy left to give us an interview.
“I’m not really sure that this will help me with my art long term, but I’ll do anything to help get Hog Crank and the Sloppy Boys off the ground,” said Angus Licht.
“Mammy always said I’d turn out like my great grandpappy!” exclaimed Otis Wilson, who kept talking about his upcoming “rebellious” country album.
“The other guys keep complaining, but this has been really awesome to help me work on my screamo,” said Raven Hornswich.
The yield will then be harnessed for energy in Spotify’s private coal plants to be used for “future developments, things I can’t really talk about right now,” said CEO Daniel Ek, “But I’m really excited about what they’ll think up down there. Maybe they’ll crack the case on how to get us out of the red!”
Northeastern intern Robert McOlleny had the idea to use the energy to power a prospective generative Spotify AI data center.
“It could actually solve a really big problem,” said McOlleny, “With all these artists having to work 14 hours a day to make a ‘livable’ wage, we have no one to make the music for the platform.”
