Graphic by Mary-Amma Blankson
In reaction to mounting criticism of recent immigration policy, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has decided to outsource their border security to the Tufts University chapter of Delta Tau Delta. Border Czar Tom Homan, feeling the country has become overrun with drug-addicted criminals and mental patients, has deemed DTD most suited to deal with this existential threat, commenting, “It takes one to know one.”
The DTD brothers’ decision to “focus on the ratios” and accept one man for every ten women has stifled male immigration. The Office of Homeland Security Statistics has noted a relative increase in the immigration of South American women – a change that the thirsty brothers and the wider administration pride themselves on. Rather than requiring government-issued IDs or work visas, the brothers require prospective immigrants to present elusive DTD wristbands at the border. DTD Recruitment Chair Grant Wasserman said, “To get into this country, you need to know a brother or know someone who knows a brother.” He scoffed nefariously. “Our brothers are working door… at the wall, and they’re not just gonna let in a fuckwad who can’t name three brothers.”
The crime rates in America have yet to change. Despite this, the Trump Administration seems abundantly pleased with the brothers’ work, so much so that the federal government has also contracted DTD to work in U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. Becoming an American citizen is now an intensive, hazing-fueled rush process. The new citizenship process – also known as “Rushing U.S.A” – involves pledges (people with green cards) retrieving dry cleaning for the brothers and consuming cans of American-made Coors Banquet (none of that foreign Tequila stuff). Most notably, the rushing process necessitates that prospective new Americans engage in an “Elephant Walk” – a hazing ritual in which PNAs are forced to walk in a straight line whilst holding the penis of the aspiring citizen in front of them.
Even then, immigrants who rush America are not guaranteed a bid to the country, leaving many liberal politicians and college campuses furious. Migration policy expert Kellen Grodner said, “If we don’t allow immigrants to enter the country even after elephant walking, then what precedent are we setting for the free world? For our children?”
Reporters at The Zamboni believe that DTD’s increasing involvement in Trump’s government has fueled the Tufts administration’s decision to close the basements at its fraternities. This pushback, however, has not stopped the federal government, who have now begun employing the DTD brothers at ICE. The administration believes Tufts DTD possesses special skills in the art of kicking people out of somewhere that is not even that great in the first place. The White House likens the current situation of immigration in America to the end of a frat party, in which the uninitiated must be kicked out. President Trump himself, at a recent press conference, stood on his podium and shouted: “If you’re not a brother of the U.S.A or fucking a brother of the U.S.A, get the fuck out!”
