I never thought it would happen to me. We used to share everything together: stories, food, my coworker that one time. But today, I saw it in her eyes: the superiority complex. As soon as she said those ugly words – “I don’t think you’d know them” – I knew.
I am not alone in this plight. Gatekeeping has existed since Adam and Eve tried to hide the apple from God, but ever since the Stones started Rolling, gatekeeping has plagued humanity worse than ever. Gatekeeping has destroyed my relationship. I can’t trust my girlfriend, we don’t talk– hell, we aren’t even intimate anymore. Just last week, she stole one of my graphic tees because I could only name two Nirvana songs. Forget naming a third song, I don’t even know what third base is anymore! I ask her what that tongue do and all she does is sing lyrics too quiet for me to Shazam. She’s gone from edging me to The Edge; my balls are as Blue as Weezer. I’m sure you’re thinking “Say It Ain’t So.” I wish it was “Only in My Dreams”.
Life is full of questions now. Every waking minute of the day, I’m left wondering: “Who is my girlfriend listening to? Should I listen to her more often? What else is she keeping from me? Is she still sleeping with that coworker behind my back?” Clearly, this societal issue must be confronted immediately. I had some Zamboni analysts run the numbers, and we’ve found three main factors that lead to chronic gatekeeping.
Firstly, similar to sex, gatekeeping makes you feel good. Gatekeeping creates an in-group vs. out-group dynamic, and playing with that in and out, back and forth, makes people moving inside feel so much better than the people receiving that deep, penetrating pain. As far as a solution, we’ve yet to find the hole (or the right angle to enter from), but we will keep working at it.
Secondly, some of our scientists discovered evidence that there is a genetic reason for gatekeeping: It is a trait inherited from beavers. Beavers and humans are very closely related, sharing roughly 67% of their DNA. Our researchers believe that as we gatekeep, we pay homage to the beavers’ dams, keeping an awesome pond away from the lame fish.
I don’t know the third reason. The analysts aren’t telling me but they keep talking about it like it’s the coolest thing ever.
