Graphic by Mary-Amma Blankson
In the wake of the first ever Tufts Performative Male Competition, the Tufts student body discussed plans for yet another battle of the butches. “Tufts Performative Masc Lesbian Competition” posters soon littered the campus, an open call to those donning undercuts, patchwork tattoo sleeves, and carabiners.
Unbeknownst to local lovers of women, Sunil Kumar simultaneously had a plan in the works to bring the ultimate sapphic paradise, Lilith Fair, to Tufts. For Tufts’ largest lesbian-centered event in history, the Academic quad was set to be filled with the dulcet indie tones of Fiona Apple, The Cardigans, Sheryl Crow, you name it. Morale was high in the president’s chambers until it was revealed that the event would coincide with the Masc Lesbian Competition. Kumar described this initial scheduling conflict to The Zamboni, saying “It was like middle school all over again. My pants were down, and everyone, especially the masc lesbians, was laughing.”
On October 3, 2025, students congregated to determine just how masc Tufts could get. The gathering was initially mistaken for a TWO group reunion, but intentions were clarified when at least a minute went by with no one mentioning they were in TWO. Musical instruments and poetry journals abounded! The president of the niche, indie fraternity ATO swiftly stole hearts and the crown, declaring “Y’all are new to this. I’m true to this.”
Kumar, though “new to this,” was determined to fulfill his outreach goals and get a really progressive photo for the Tufts Instagram. The Lilith Fair initiative was full steam ahead as the president paced in his office.
“My inbox is teeming with Tracy’s,” he ranted. “I have Bonham on the phone as we speak, but she won’t stop calling me mother, and, and, she’s freezin’, starvin’, bleedin’ to death?! I need someone to get TEMS on the phone. Our artists are dropping like flies.” Squinting at his phone again, he said, “Can we get a Charlie card for Chapman? My car is fast, but I’m not an Uber, people!”
No more than an hour later, Kumar stood firmly on stage addressing the skeleton of a crowd sprinkling the quad. Mic feedback pierced the air, but he did not stumble.
“The show must go on.”
His speech only hesitated when the ground began to rumble. The sound of mascs rushing towards the stage was unforgettable. “Jingle, jangle, jingle…”
And, like a rhinestone cowboy, Tracy Chapman guided the horde in Kumar’s Hellcat.
“The show will go on!” Chapman proclaimed from the fast car.
In front of a vivacious crowd, Sarah McLachlan, beloved Lilith Fair cofounder, took the stage. In those beginning moments, Kumar shared, he was in awe of his students’ ability to come together, a feat many universities still yearn to achieve.
The winner of the Masc Lesbian Competition, a true model of everything the two events signified, was bestowed with signed copies of every Indigo Girls classic before being mistakenly whisked away by a swarm of managers to sign albums. Tufts femmes flocked, trying to get “closer to fine shyt.”
When asked about his success by the local press, Sunil Kumar stated, “Y’all are new to this, Tufts is true to this.”
