Graphic by Gabriel Currie
She’s revived his career numerous times throughout life, but this week, Sharon Osbourne has completed her greatest revival yet: raising Ozzy Osbourne straight from the dead. He came up still muttering about a certain bat’s revenge in the afterlife. Looking even more vampiric than usual, Ozzy and Sharon announced the new Hell & Back Tour.
Sharon brushed off the miracle as an ordinary day in the life of managing Ozzy Osbourne’s career. “Don’t be phased, darling! It’s not my first blood sacrifice,” she said. She detailed plans for the Hell & Back tour, which is set to kick off at Madison Square Graveyard and end in the Phantom of the Opera House. All concert-goers will be chauffeured by Charon via river Styx.
Ozzy said of his new album, “Petershmeel muhthafuh fucking devil. Sid humahf damn idiot.” Sharon chimed in to reveal the release of new songs featuring beyond-the-grave collaborators Peter Steele and Sid Vicious. She translated for Ozzy, explaining that, “Peter’s voice is so low down there, Cerberus can’t even hear it, and Sid… well, Sid still can’t play bass.” Reports from industry insiders noted that Sharon had long ouija board calls with Hades to work out eternal contracts. It turns out one of the devil’s main skills is fine print.
Tickets are set to go on sale on Halloween night. They’re expected to sell out quickly and cost years of one’s life due to Ticketmaster’s “resurrection and afterlife surcharges.” Limited edition merchandise will be sold on tour, including coffin beer coolers and bat plush toys. For Ozzy, death wasn’t the end, just another stop on the tour.
