Due to rapid habitat loss, Tufts party girls have officially been classified as an endangered species.
Following the administration crackdown of on-campus functions and the Boston Police Department’s encroachment on nearby Theta Chi chapters, solid ragers (essential to a party girl’s survival) have become dangerously elusive.
If that weren’t bad enough, invasive 60-pound MIT brothers are exacerbating the problem by taking up whatever fruitful dance floors are available. As a result, party girls have been tragically displaced to ZooMass and more socially adept universities where the informal city-wide curfew is later than 2 a.m.
If we don’t act soon, these once vibrant creatures will be forced to roam listlessly around campus begging strangers for a spare cigarette. If given the chance, invite your local party girl to a bar– that is, if BPD’s puritanical campaign against fake IDs doesn’t prevent her from getting in.
The outlook may be bleak, but with your help, we may be able to turn back the clock and save tens of lives. Remember, social climate change affects us all.
