Graphic by Mary-Amma Blankson
Abstract: While we’ve been led to believe that the plants don’t actually “listen” to music, new evidence suggests they do in fact take the lyrics to heart. Here, we present alarming evidence to suggest that music released by the British alt-rock band Radiohead can induce catastrophic declines in plant vitality. After 10 days of exposure, experimental specimens exhibited a 300% increase in mortality, spontaneous wilting, and what can only be described as existential dread.
Introduction: For decades, botanists have asked: Do plants have feelings? And if so, can we hurt them? Prior literature documents positive effects of certain genres, yet no peer-reviewed study has addressed whether music that evokes the creeping realization of one’s own mortality might actively kill vegetation. Given Radiohead’s reputation for reducing grown men to tears, we hypothesized that lesser life forms like plants would fare even worse.
Methods:
Subjects: 24 Arabidopsis thaliana, widely known as “the lab rats of botany” due to their willingness to die for science.
Experimental Groups:
- Control (n=12): no music.
- Radiohead (n=12): continuous OK Computer on loop, volume standardized to 65 decibels
Duration: 10 consecutive days
Environment: Identical soil, light, and water conditions. Control plants received casual words of encouragement. Experimental plants were simply told to “Just hang in there.”
Measurements: Growth rates, leaf turgor, chlorophyll content, root stability, and qualitative assessments of “sad vibes.”
Results:
Control group: Thrived, sprouting new leaves and “generally minding their own business.”
Radiohead group:
- Day 2: noticeable drooping.
- Day 4: audible noises resembling sighs.
- Day 7: spontaneous leaf abscission (they just gave up).
- Day 10: total collapse, with several specimens folding into the soil as if surrendering to death.
Mortality was calculated at 300% faster than controls. While the math was described as “statistically impossible” by one researcher, peer reviewers agreed it “made sense and just felt right.”
Anecdotal note: one plant was discovered leaning toward a Smiths poster in the lab, apparently seeking emotional support from Morrissey. When the lab playlist accidentally shuffled to Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now, the plant appeared to agree before collapsing in dramatic fashion.
Discussion: These results provide the first empirical evidence that Radiohead exerts catastrophic effects on non-human life. Potential mechanisms include:
- Lyric Absorption: Plants exposed to the line “One day I am gonna grow wings” experienced immediate chlorophyll loss. After billions of years of striving upward, the cruel truth hit them: They would never escape the soil.
- Existential Interference: Preliminary data suggests Radiohead disrupts stomatal gas exchange by convincing leaves that breathing is ultimately pointless if we all die eventually.
Future studies should explore whether exposure to Carly Rae Jepsen or Mamma Mia! The Musical (Original Cast Recording) can reverse Radiohead-induced trauma in plants.
Conclusion: Radiohead exposure is conclusively lethal to plants, accelerating death rates by approximately 300%. These results suggest that flora, like impressionable young men, are highly vulnerable to the emotional resonance of Thom Yorke.
