Graphic by Henry Barraclough
For one mythic week out of the year, the world turns its eyes to Katmai National Park to revel in the grandeur of various fatass bears. In a tournament of the tremendously rotund, finally, you can judge something by its weight without social implications, and with your vote, watch as the biggest, most bountiful beasts rise through the ranks. What you may not know, however, is that not all of these mammoths get the privilege of a name. Many are reduced to a mere number, an injustice likely contributed to by the sheer mass of contestants.
It is a universal fact that human beings have a carnal desire to name things, and also maybe name them several times, if they feel compelled to by immense patriotism and xenophobia (hello, Gulf of America!). It is not that difficult to name a bunch of fat bears. Anyone from a suckling babe to an average chum like me could do the job, and do it well. So here I am, righting this wrong, sorting out this injustice by finally giving 856, like so many deserving fat kings, a name.
Our team of alliteration experts came up with the following: Girthy Gerta, Big Benjamin, and Flabby Phyllis. Other ideas seek inspiration from the more massive things in our world. For example, DLWOPHDSTC: a short, fun version of “Dewick Line When One Person Has Difficulty Swiping Their Card.” Other large things bears could be named after include Your Mom, Body Count of Zamboni Writers, and Your Other Mom (they are gay). Much like the bears, the possibilities of names are intimidatingly large and constantly expanding.
From here on out, 856 will be bestowed with a regal name, worthy of his burgeoning majesty. After careful deliberation, he will be known as “Moobs.”
Like the first hole in the Berlin Wall, progress begins with the individual and spreads to the masses. This movement requires all of us, and that includes YOU! Email us your ample examples at tuftszamboni@gmail.com for a chance to win the opportunity to be flown out to Alaska to meet the fat bears in person. Be sure to include the subject line “I LIKE PHAT BEARS AND I CANNOT LIE.” Results of this reward may beary.*
*The Zamboni is not responsible for any bear-related injuries or deaths.
