Graphic by Mary-Amma Blankson
With mounting public frustration over price gouging, Ticketmaster has started offering a variety of payment plans, tailored to match any individual’s needs. Whether you’re a family man, a homeowner, or a broke individual with assets to spare, Ticketmaster has the payment plan for you.
“I just wanted to see Lorde at the Garden,” Boston resident Danielle Thompson said. “But then the fees just started piling on and I was in over my head. $25 for processing, $15 for convenience, $55 for what Ticketmaster described as ‘just because we damn well could.’ At some point, I realized the ticket was more than my rent and car payment combined, but I just couldn’t bring myself to close the tab.”
The most popular plan, the Legacy Liquidation Plan allows fans to hand over personal items like heirloom jewelry, wedding rings, or photo albums that contain the last known picture of their great great Gam Gam. “People always say these items are irreplaceable,” one Ticketmaster spokesperson said. “But I guarantee you’ll get much more value from videos of Sabrina Carpenter performing ‘Juno’ than from a dusty photo of some lady you never met.”
The Family Reallocation Plan, marketed toward “hardworking parents with disposable dependents,” was the choice of local teacher and father of four Mr. Peterson. Mr. Peterson found himself deciding between his children’s college tuition, groceries for the week, and tickets for The Weeknd. Thanks to Ticketmaster’s new policy, Mr. Peterson was able to find a simple remedy. “With a few clicks, I was able to exchange my firstborn for tickets,” he said. “It was hard to convince him to go along with it at first, but when I explained that he would get a backstage pass, he came around. I’ll always remember how big his smile was when I left him alone by the dumpsters near the stage door. He was never this excited when I dropped him off at college, so I think this choice was best for us both.” Mr. Peterson’s wife initially had reservations about exchanging her son. “But then I started thinking,” Mrs. Peterson said, “we don’t really need all four kids. Maybe I’ll trade our daughter for tickets to the ABBA tribute concert next month.”
Children aren’t the only type of property you can sell – a house will also suffice. Ticketmaster now offers the quick and easy Master™ Your Mortgage tool after partnering with banks around the world so you can reverse your mortgage in just two minutes without losing your spot in the virtual queue.
“Frankly, we think it’s a win-win situation,” said Ticketmaster CEO Micheal Rapino when explaining their new Spare Parts Plan. “You get to see your favorite singer live, and we get to pawn off your organ to the highest bidder. We checked with our lawyers and it turns out if you click ‘I agree to terms and conditions,’ it’s all legal. And nobody really reads those anyway.”
