Graphic by Mary-Amma Blankson
Loving Husband & Father of Two Heaven (LHFT H), located in Sector 110 of Christian heaven, right beneath Small Orphan Boy Heaven (SOB H) and parallel to Little Old Lady Heaven (LOL H), has received another angel. Following his assassination on Sept. 10th, 2025, Charlie Kirk’s soul fluttered up to the sector, where all Loving Husbands & Fathers of Two go after they die. Kirk’s ascendance, according to Zamboni sources, has erupted the ordinarily quiet sector into an unusual state of political and bureaucratic upheaval, reopening a contentious policy debate within the Heavenly Council.
In 1989, loving husband and father of two Roger Merrill was hit by a bus and, through a bureaucratic error, sent to Hell for all of eternity. After the mishap, the Heavenly Council voted to streamline sector ascendance, ruling that from that point on all Loving Husband & Fathers of Two would be granted entry. Heavenly Ordinance 14,777 went into effect the next lunar year. It remained mostly in obscurity, save for a second of controversy in 1994 when LHFT Richard Nixon passed away and the Devil made a personal call. But despite Satan’s self-insertion, the ordinance stood.
The sector, harboring mostly middle-aged men who had heart attacks and/or burned to death following a failed attempt to deep-fry the Thanksgiving turkey, was first thrust into the spotlight earlier this year. This followed its controversial decision to welcome loving husband and father of two Bryan Thompson (ex-CEO of United Healthcare). Zamboni reporters witnessed a significant escalation of violence after Dave, a formerly diabetic resident who ascended to heaven after his treatment plan was denied, suffocated Thompson with a cloud in the middle of the night. Thompson was sent to Sector 10 (Murdered-in-Heaven Heaven), Dave was sent to Purgatory for punishment, and sector governance was forced to clarify its ascension policy once again.
“We operate off of a platform of political neutrality,” commented the sector’s public affairs manager ÎÆpZÛÜæð at the time, refering to a recently passed heavenly policy which determined that the heavenly sector would “refrain from making judgements on political and social matters that do not bear directly on the sector’s core mission of blessing Loving Husbands and Fathers of Two with eternal merriment and satisfaction.”
Kirk’s recent passing has tested the strength of that neutrality decision, with significant pressure coming from non-voting representatives of the Underworld to move Kirk away from the sector and into their own subterranean administrative realm.
By last report, Kirk was “doing two thumbs up” in Sector 110, enjoying its unlimited beef jerky, continuous airing of Fox News, and fat, ill-informed population. Funnily enough, he’d find exactly the same thing down in Hell.
