Graphic by Orya Shusterman-Bachi
Since the HHS made this recommendation, women everywhere have made the switch – and the results have been staggering. Studies have shown the pain women now face during pregnancy has dropped considerably, from “a ton” to “nothing at all” (Kennedy & Bondi, 2025). Despite the positive results, critics have remained dubious about the recommendation, worried particularly about the side effects of fentanyl.
After intense questioning from the press, RFK finally spoke on the issue. “Negative effects are extremely rare,” he said. “However, some people suffer heart failure, overdose, sneezing, loss of feeling in limbs, hair loss, internal bleeding, asking strangers for money, scratching your body whenever not talking, and lying constantly to friends and family.”
The Zamboni got an exclusive interview with pregnant mother Chastity Joanne who made the switch. “I feel so much better now, especially knowing I’m making the safe decision for me and my child. Tylenol helped, but I still felt sick. Now, with fentanyl, I don’t feel much of anything.” The Zamboni was able to secure the interview after finding Chastity doing a “fent lean” outside a local Popeyes a three-hour walk from her home in Baton Rouge. She is one of thousands of pregnant women reported to be doing the “lean” all over America.
The Trump administration has rolled out new injection centers where soon-to-be mothers can shoot up safely and patriotically. Speaking about the centers, Trump commented, “I am absolutely thrilled we could put a stop to this horrible, horrible crisis. I’ve always been interested in autism. Back 20 years ago when I was a developer making billions, I knew the democrats were hiding what they knew about autism. Now, as president, I’ve solved the most severe health crisis our country has ever faced. Now we have mothers doing the patriotic lean. What an absolutely beautiful and amazing thing, the patriotic lean.” Infant mortality is up to fifty percent and there are several thousand infants addicted to fentanyl. But at least they won’t talk your ear off about trains.
