Graphic by Gabriel Currie
Whether they’re lounging on Prez Lawn, loitering outside of Tisch, or on their way to class, the sight of a mysterious Ivy-League-reject smoking a dart is not an uncommon sight on Medford’s storied campus.
“Our biggest demographics are edgy SMFA students and lone-wolf English majors,” a Marlboro representative told the Zamboni. “Even your athletes get in on the action. We haven’t seen numbers like this since 1975!”
Despite decades of labor by the US Department of Health to convince young people that smoking is “carcinogenic” and “bad for you,” plenty of nihilistic Jumbos are reclaiming the narrative from the despotic government agencies claiming interest in our wellbeing.
“If it’s above 60 degrees out, there’s always somebody hitting a study cig,” an exasperated sorority sister told our Zamboni correspondent.
“I once saw a guy in a ‘World Health Organization’ shirt walking down the street, smoking a cigarette,” added a flabbergasted freshman.
Whether it’s Marlboro Golds, Reds, American Spirits, or a coveted Chinese brand, the rainbow of cancer sticks unites this campus in a way that would bring a tear to the eye of any CDC representative, as the burn marks on the plastic Adirondack chairs can attest.
“We just want to extend our deepest gratitude to you indie cool kids out at Tufts,” said a Newport representative. “As a thank you for reviving our industry and ripping it back from the claws of those loser-ass squares, we’ll be sponsoring a new cigarette vending machine for the campus center! Keep smokin’, Jumbos!”
Tufts Health Services and Medical School Campus declined to comment.
