Graphic by Henry Barraclough
So, some inborn feature of yours drove your parents apart (it is your fault, make no mistake). Worry not! It is well-known that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but here’s another statistic for you: children of divorce have 75% more cool stuff. Is this a coincidence? Absolutely not! In fact, I believe that my exposure to an acrimonious divorce during my youth taught me indispensable techniques to get what I want. My dad is on his third marriage, my mom is on her second bottle of wine today, and my toy box is overflowing. Furthermore, my therapist says I “display shockingly manipulative tendencies for a 6-year-old,” so I think there is no one more qualified to introduce you to the beautiful world of looting the corpse of your parents’ marriage for your own gain!
I always start out with subtlety. Though you may be tempted to go in hot, I find that a “death by a thousand cuts” approach is far more effective. Say things like, “when I’m at Daddy’s house, my bed’s a lot bigger.” Does anyone say you have the same smile as a parent? The same cheekbones? Accentuate those traits with makeup! Making your eyes pop will remind your father of the day she left, and he’ll want to hold on to you at all costs. Although these tactics may initially go over your parents’ heads, they will seep into their subconsciouses and gradually wrack them with guilt. And then the toys will start rolling in. You should act out constantly. Personally, I’ve started chewing tobacco and drawing violent images in my coloring books, but feel free to put your own spin on it. The more your parents feel they are failing you, the more they’ll fill that void with material goods!
Tired of waiting on your parents’ generosity? Need money now? Say you “left things at the other house” and get a replacement. In reality? Facebook Marketplace. I’ve sold five asthma inhalers alone. My final and most important tip is this: Learn to make requests when your parents’ relationship has hit a low point. Dad won’t think about how many times you’ve asked him for $20 if he’s busy looking up Mom’s new “friend from work” on LinkedIn!
Use these tips and I assure you, you will be just as happy and successful as me. Well, those ants aren’t gonna burn themselves, so I’ve gotta go.
