Graphic by Gabriel Currie
For this special episode of What’s In Your Bag, I finally managed to land a bona fide, high-profile interviewee. Gone were my days of interviewing no-names. Dick Cheney? Ozzy Osbourne? Kick rocks, I’ve got real work to do. After weeks of fruitless phone calls, a poorly-organized letter writing campaign, and one (completely unnecessary) arrest for “trespassing on school grounds,” I achieved the unimaginable. I secured an interview with Declan Gunderson, voted Coolest Kid at West Brook Elementary 5 years running. It is my honor to present it to you now, lightly edited for your reading pleasure.
JM: So, Declan, it’s great to finally meet you.
DG: Alright, fuckface, let’s get one thing clear. You don’t call me Declan. You call me Mr. Gunderson. You know what, fuck that, call me sir. And don’t make eye contact with me. You don’t know me. You call yourself a journalist? Frankly, you’re a joke. Do I make myself clear?
JM: Yes.
DG: Yes, what?
JM: Yes, sir. So I see you’ve got a pretty cool bag there.
DG: Oh, this? My 2025 Thomas the Tank Engine two-pocket backpack? I suppose to a mongrel like you, this must seem luxurious, but I prefer vintage models myself.
JM: Well, would you like to give us a glance into its pockets, sir?
DG: I’ll do that when I’m ready. Well, here’s something.
JM: For our print readers, that is a Dixon Tri-Conderoga triangular pencil there. A very impressive piece, if I may say so myself.
DG: That’s kind of you to say. Oh, I forgot I left these at the bottom. Not quite as impressive, but then again, what is?
JM: Are those-
DG: The French Crown Jewels, yes. My guy under the slide cut me a deal. You don’t want to know how many wood chips this set me back.
JM: Huh. Also, sir, I brought the cigarillos and Prime you asked for. The man at the store said to let the bottle breathe for at least 5 minutes, so the microplastics can settle.
DG: Did you get my agent’s fax?
[At this, I nodded, my downcast eyes catching a glimpse of Gunderson’s silhouette reflected in the flecked asbestos tile of the floor.]
DG: Clearly, you didn’t read it, or they didn’t teach you how to read in whatever third-rate diploma mill squeezed you out of its unaccredited sphincter, since it specifically ordered Ice Pop. What does this look like to you?
JM: It looks like-
DG: This is Cherry Freeze. Did the coal mine they hauled you out of deaden your taste buds? What sort of rank amateur can’t even get his influencer-collaboration beverages right? And you expect me to waste my time on you? I missed 2 games of wall ball and a Pokémon trade for this. You wanna know what’s really in my bag? An awful long list of losers like you that I left in my dust a long time ago. And a slap bracelet to smack you with. Fuck you. Get out of my sight.
